Dear Me...

EK said that perhaps I don't wanna get better... CM said that I am getting better... I say I am so freaking confused!!!

I have come to not understand what it means so smile and really mean it... perhaps, I have come to loose touch of reality, of who i really am and not so much of who I yearn to be or not to be... I don't know what am I feeling... I don't know what am I thinking... just a daze.... blurred...

saw a magnificent sight today as I walked home with A. two rainbows with brilliant colours across the wide sky. perhaps it's just me who's more sentitive then usual, or perhaps cos it's been raining and the weather is depressin... just perhaps... I don't know exactly... but for that instance, I felt like crying... I felt like just letting the floodgates open again... I felt like I wanna run into the arms of those I love and dearly missed and cry my heart out... I felt like a little girl... I am a little girl in seach for affection... but, from who?

I don't know what I am feeling... just that I am in this bottomless pit with not a single way of getting out... I am trapped..... I wanna scream!!!!!!!!

strong waves of emotions filling me... taking life away from me... I am breakin... collapsing.... I am like a bridge about to be washed away by the mighty waves from the angry sea that is staring straight into me eyes.... instilling in me, imense fear that I cannot fight... feel like letting go... I am but a girl... just a human being.. why do I desearve this? questions that has no answers... answers that don't belong to any questions.... finding it hard to hold on to reality and sanity no matter how hard i try to... my brain is killing me... slowly, silently... then it'll consume me, my every senses, my very pressence... untill i am left with but a body, built of flesh and bones... without a soul... a living walking organism who is said to be alive just because she is breathing and exhaling; alive yet dead, moving yet paralysed;crying yet numb... and agin, I am but a girl... what have I done to deserve this?

anger pain, sadness, laughter... all mixed up... entwined within my very soul... like a helpless fly in a cobweb I am... awaiting for my untimely death...

I am being melodramatic again... I am just being me, the me that I am so disgusted to even think about my very existance... the me that I have never wished to be... long gone were the days when I could distinguish emotions, long gone were the times when I can tell for certain the person I was... long gone were the knowledge and understanding that I had about myself... not that I had much to begin with.... and then again, perhaps, I really shouldn't be complaining... when you've lost so much, there is really nothin much that you can loose any more anyway...

I don't wanna be depressed.... Help me... anyone... I don't care... anyone... who even bothers... perhaps, I don't even deserve anyone to start with... perhaps, this world that I am living is but a world of make-belief... a world constructed by me and me myself holds the keys to set myself free... perhaps it has always been a game of "playing house" that I have constructed for myself and everyone else are just characters that I have made up through my imagination....

then perhaps, the question should be that.... when will I wake up?

from,
~me~