Letter 2

Dear A,

Hey, it's me again... I can see lots of questions swirling around in search of answers... and I wish that I can be the one who can give you answers as to why things happen. sad to say it, but I am in search of them as well.... I am on this long and tiring journey as well... I too want to know what has caused things to become how they turn out to be....

Baby gurl, I am sorry if I have hurt you... please may I know now, in what ways have I hurt you? When Eng Kee asked me that question, I guess the best person who will know the answer is you... so, how have I hurt you? how have I pained you? Really hope that I can help you, that I can take away all your pain and dismay, return your smile.... that smile that brightens up a dark lightless room that you've always deserved but deprived of. YOU are more that what you think you're worth.

I spoke to my friends today. and everyone thinks that we are not an angry person. I guess, I need to hereby appologise to you, cos I am the culprit in all these things... I was the one that has stopped you from any form of expression so many years ago... I was the one who "trained" you to turn into a lifeless idiot that needs constant outside reminder that you are alive. it's me, it's my fault and I am sorry... so so sorry.... I was the one who drew up an invisible life-contract with you that you may be a good descriptive writter, that you may be the most brilliant actor or dramaqueen, so as long that you DO NOT express YOUR emotions either good or bad, happy or sad... that was the aggreement that I made, that was the aggreement that I made you signed.

I want to let you know one thing... it's not that I am asking you to be there for everyone, just that I didn't know what else to do... there was no communication between us and I didn't know what other actions to take but to ignore the problem and pretend that nothing had happen by trying to a matured big girl, there for everyone. yes, I did not take into account of what your feelings are, I didn't consult you or even bother asking you either... but then again, did you notice one thing? it takes two hands to clap, I need you to tell me what is on your mind as well instead of just taking all the imformation that I keep feeding you with... you do have the right to challenge me when circumstances allows it... and you should... cause I don't read minds, you need to let me know as well... and I want to know.... really! I too need to be told when you're angry or sad... I can't see past a face as if looking through a piece of glass and knowing that it's dirty or clean... I can't....

I do love you.. I really do...
And I don't wish to hurt you any more...

Love,
~B~

Dear B,

I'm sorry for sounding harsh as if to make you feel guilty... that is not what I wanted. I was just frustrated cause all these while you have never once paid any attention to me before this. B, I feel pain, from within... I feel as if my heart has been cut up into millions of slices, I feel broken inside, as if I am rotting away, decaying... Cause I have lost track of times when I do feel like me. I know you intended good by trying to teach me to ignore emotions cause the root of all these turmoil is in fact emotions. but then, without emotions and the permission and means to express it does not make it go away... instead, it gets stuck inside me... and it is killing me slowly.

Did I even told you before that your actions in self harm and self critisism hurts me? It does, so much too! For every droplet of crimson tear shed, I can feel part of me seeping away cause you have shown me the cruel part of you. I know that life itself is cruel and people are unkind... but I never expect harm from you. You're the last person that I swear I would even think hurting me. You are made to protect me, to be my keeper, not my torturer.... it's jsut so so wrong!

I know I am sensitive. and for me, words do hurt more than actions... in fact, I think and strongly believe that words have both the power to heal and to kill... what I want from you is healing, not killing... do you understand? Yea, I know that not doing as well as we want to is bad, but then, everytime instead of motivating me, you are discouraging me!!! haven't you relised that you are becoming more and more like mom and daddy? your toungue is as sharp and lethal as mom's and you are as irresponsible in my wellbeing as daddy..... But remember, before you left WMS, you promised Rev that you will never grow up to be like mom and daddy... You PROMISED!!! it's not fair...... I don't deserve this!!!

Love,
~A~