Letter 1

Dear A,

How are you tonight? It's weird talking to you like this you know...Weird... But then again, I am weird, am I not? Sigh, I am sorry to acknowledge the fact that I have been ignoring you alot. I haven't been a good friend to you. You are the closest to me and yet I have constantly ignored you. I have not cared about your feelings what-so-ever. I have been selfish. I would like to tell you that I want to be your friend again, to love you and hold you in my arms like I never did before. May I have another chance? Please?

I know you must be mad at me for being so ignorant about your feelings, for hurtin you again and again even though I refuse to accept it as reality. You are upset about always being pushed to exel and be strong for others. I guess I have been too harsh, I have been too mean to you. I was foolish to treat you in that way... You are the closest one to me and yet you are the one that I let everything out on . It has not been fair for you and I want to make up for it. I want to understand you more and be your friend.

Daddy left, it must have hurt. It should hurt. I am sorry for not allowing you to cry and making you feel responsible and guilty. I am sorry for constantly remindin you of what Ah Ma said on the stairs, that it's because of you that mom and dad fought with each other. I have not paid any attention to you and I want to start now. What was it that you felt at that time? How was your little heart taking it? Would you like a hug?

The day daddy slapped you till you sprain your neck, I can still recall the image till today. As much as I knew what happened that day, I have refused to let you know. Perhaps, I was tryin to protect myself rather than to protect you. I constantly disapprove of you remembering it, I guess it was more of the reason that I didn't want to face it. Looking back, you were crulled up in your bed, alone in your room. Mommy didn't know that daddy had slapped you, and boy did he use much force. You were only 7 or 8, can't remember.

Please, I want to hear from you, in your words, no matter how silly it sounds, I want to care for you once again. I am sorry for being such a selfish ignorant jerk all these while.

Love,
~B~

Dear B,

I thought that you will never ever pay attention to me anymore. I am a very needy person and I guess everyone knows that. One day I will push everyone around me away... and that is the last thing that I want happening to me. I am scared of loosing people, being left behind.... You know that, don't you? You've always knew. Just that perhaps I am not worth your time and effort.... I guess, I am just a crybaby, a little girl....

I want a hug, a long one so much so that even after it has ended, I can still feel the warmth of your arms and that I will know deep down that you will protect me. Help me please, I am trapped, I feel trapped in this dark deep hole and it's so cold down here. Everytime you pretend that you are happy, and that you are a nice person to be with, I feel disgusted! How can you, someone who is so ignorant about my hurt be a nice person to be with? You can't even take care of me!! I am angry... I am feeling furious! I feel hurt, I tried to reach out, but you who promised that you will be there for me was never there.... You have always been existing but not present! And I feel upset about that! Please stop ignoring me from now on... Please?

Yes, I was mad, and I was upset.... I lived in constant struggle with myself that I am the trouble maker in the family, that I caused all these things to happen to me... I feel hurt.... so so HURT... But you have not allowed me to feel... You have time and again reminded me that I am a big girl now and I will therefore need to be strong for everyone , EVERYONE!!! But I don't want to be a big girl... I am not a big girl... I still want my teddy and mommy to tuck me into bed aat night... I was not ready to grow up yet... and I don't think I am ready now either... I feel as if even though I continue with the passing of years, I have remain stagnant. I have been rooted to one place and that place is the deep turmoil within your heart... Hope is a far-away word... and I am trapped in a cage... I can tell you where the keyhole is, but You hold the key... WE need to help each other out... and the first thing I want you to know is that I FEEL PAIN!!! Excruciating PAIN!!

I was angry at daddy for being irresponsible.... and I was envious of my other friends who always pay their fees on time and not like me, being called out in front of the class by my class teacher every month... I wished that I could hide away and dissappear.... It was embarassing...I hate daddy... I am his daughter, and he hurt me... He's an animal... a bastard!!! why? why can't he just show me a little more care? why does he want me in the first place? to serve as a punching bag? to show his peers that he is "normal" cause he is following the social norm of gettin married and having children? What did he think family is anyway? A game of building sand castles in the sand box? Screw you!!! I feel like crying... I am sorry... I am feeling so so down.... and you never once stood up for me... !!! You are well known among your friends as being someone who will stand up for her opinions and someone who can argue and debate dammn well... So what the hell is the reason that you stand up for everyone else but me....??? You call this close??? You tell your friends one thing, you do another... You never pactice what you preach!!! I hate you! But I love you too.... Cause I know that there are parts of you that is hiding.... Please stop hidding... especially from me... I want to understand you as much as you want to understand me.... Most of all, I want you to be the person who will cuddle me and keep me safe from all harm....

I want you to stop hurting me.... STOP HURTING ME!!!!!

Love,
~A~