Dr. C called me yesterday, just to ask how am I doin... funny.... perhaps he is much different than the others than I thought he is. perhaps, he is here for me as an angel... perhaps, chances are meant to be given... perhaps, it's okay to trust again.... perhaps....
last night, could not sleep again... CM had flew back home, so has EK.... this sunday will be HW and next will be A. seeing all of them leaving simply breaks me apart.... being reminded that I am different is bad enough.... knowing that I really wanna go home and yet have to pretend that I don't want to and be strong, it's worst...
falling behind time... psych test is on monday and I am not even half prepared... seems like everytime I try to be better, try to do my work... try to put i effort, I don't get anywhere... sigh...
Friday, June 17, 2005
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
broken butterfly
When wings forget how to fly
When dreams returned to the sky
I wish I could soar once again
Will hope free me from this pain?
Strangers I see as I stroll along
Days go by, I couldn’t be strong
Left alone wound up in a cell
Created by my heart, deep as the well
Across the seas I set my sail
To find a place where peace prevails
In crowds I wander, all alone
Or perhaps, it’s me myself, I fear to own.
When dreams returned to the sky
I wish I could soar once again
Will hope free me from this pain?
Strangers I see as I stroll along
Days go by, I couldn’t be strong
Left alone wound up in a cell
Created by my heart, deep as the well
Across the seas I set my sail
To find a place where peace prevails
In crowds I wander, all alone
Or perhaps, it’s me myself, I fear to own.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Letter 3
Dear A,
haven't talk to you for quite a couple of days now huh.... suddenly, feels like I sorta miss you. but then, I am confused now, about what I truly think of you... you just feel so so distant... like I am floating high up in the clouds and you are down there on Earth.... or... is it the other way around? I'm confused....
sigh... if only I can feel me as like in me on the whole and not just part of me... are you the culprit? I wonder... I truly wonder... right down, deep down from the bottom of my heart I want to ask if you even know of my existance... I know, I am crapping again, but since when anything had ever made sense to begin with? correctto!! NEVER....! the answer is NEVER! not when I know you are hurtin, not when I am tryin to make it hurt less.....
I am angry...
I am frustrated...
I am hurt...
I am sad...
I need you...
I wanna be a child once again... even if it's just for a day...
a lot of thing's been happening lately... one day I was estatic, another I was so down that nothing seemed to go right... not that I ever had any hopes of it goin right to start with.... but then again, that's not my point... thing is... should I take up Dr. C's suggestions? kept me wondering ,days on ends.... mood swings.... it's keeping me apart from this whole reality of life... or perhaps, I was long out of it even before I started thinking about it? so long I've been out of my life that perhaps I don't even know if I am still alive or not....
J said that I should talk to you more... maybe... but it feels funny "talking" to you... but still perhaps, jsut perhaps, you can help set my thinking straight... ?sigh... or am I so lost that I am know even not sure if I am confused or not?
don't wanna talk to you...
makes me feel weirde....
sigh....
I need a friend...
I need a friend in you....
Love,
~B~
haven't talk to you for quite a couple of days now huh.... suddenly, feels like I sorta miss you. but then, I am confused now, about what I truly think of you... you just feel so so distant... like I am floating high up in the clouds and you are down there on Earth.... or... is it the other way around? I'm confused....
sigh... if only I can feel me as like in me on the whole and not just part of me... are you the culprit? I wonder... I truly wonder... right down, deep down from the bottom of my heart I want to ask if you even know of my existance... I know, I am crapping again, but since when anything had ever made sense to begin with? correctto!! NEVER....! the answer is NEVER! not when I know you are hurtin, not when I am tryin to make it hurt less.....
I am angry...
I am frustrated...
I am hurt...
I am sad...
I need you...
I wanna be a child once again... even if it's just for a day...
a lot of thing's been happening lately... one day I was estatic, another I was so down that nothing seemed to go right... not that I ever had any hopes of it goin right to start with.... but then again, that's not my point... thing is... should I take up Dr. C's suggestions? kept me wondering ,days on ends.... mood swings.... it's keeping me apart from this whole reality of life... or perhaps, I was long out of it even before I started thinking about it? so long I've been out of my life that perhaps I don't even know if I am still alive or not....
J said that I should talk to you more... maybe... but it feels funny "talking" to you... but still perhaps, jsut perhaps, you can help set my thinking straight... ?sigh... or am I so lost that I am know even not sure if I am confused or not?
don't wanna talk to you...
makes me feel weirde....
sigh....
I need a friend...
I need a friend in you....
Love,
~B~
Monday, June 06, 2005
Stressed!
was so depressed for the past few days that even talking takes up so much of my energy, not that I had a lot to start with... went to brendon park with all of them for grocery shopping on saturday as usual and throughout the entire journey to and back I think the maximum number of words that came out of my mouth which are reasonably audibel is not more than ten I guess... so much for moodiness....
am I really bipolar or just plain depressed? I am begining to get really confused now... the reason being so is that if I am just plain depressed, then at least I know that in the morning when I am jumpy and all, there might be a slim chance that "that" is who I am beneath all these layers of "masks" tha tI put one everyday so as to fool everyone around me into believing that I am feeling okay... perhaps, the one person that I really wish and hoped that I can trully convince is perhaps lil' ole' me.... but, if I am bipolar, then most likely that the "hyper-me" that I experience during the day when I am with people is all but just another symptom of my "illness"... am I just ill or am I so screwed up that I can now be pronounced insane?I'm confused!
had a total of 3 panic attacks over the span of 2 days... can I even ask if I am severe? ok ok I know the answer... feeling so down and disappointed... why? why after so long it still came back? why? I don't understand... what can I do now to stop it? to revert the mode of my "illness" back to "remission"? it seems like an never ending story weaving it's path along this journey called life which is officially "owned" by me... not that I want it that much... but then.... sigh
made CM cry that day.... it hurts you know.. it hurts damn well when you see the person you care about cry because of you... not that you did something bad to them... but rather, it's because they see you hurting and they feel so helpless that all that they can do is cry.... CM don't deserve this.... she deserves to be happy always... so does HW and everyone else, everyone else that I snapped at.... I don't know......
我是如此的恨现在的自己。我究竟是谁，我已经不懂得该如何回答了。觉得自己有如一只迷失了方向的迷途羔羊。更觉得自己像个落地的天使，伤了翅膀、忘了如何飞翔。
am I really bipolar or just plain depressed? I am begining to get really confused now... the reason being so is that if I am just plain depressed, then at least I know that in the morning when I am jumpy and all, there might be a slim chance that "that" is who I am beneath all these layers of "masks" tha tI put one everyday so as to fool everyone around me into believing that I am feeling okay... perhaps, the one person that I really wish and hoped that I can trully convince is perhaps lil' ole' me.... but, if I am bipolar, then most likely that the "hyper-me" that I experience during the day when I am with people is all but just another symptom of my "illness"... am I just ill or am I so screwed up that I can now be pronounced insane?I'm confused!
had a total of 3 panic attacks over the span of 2 days... can I even ask if I am severe? ok ok I know the answer... feeling so down and disappointed... why? why after so long it still came back? why? I don't understand... what can I do now to stop it? to revert the mode of my "illness" back to "remission"? it seems like an never ending story weaving it's path along this journey called life which is officially "owned" by me... not that I want it that much... but then.... sigh
made CM cry that day.... it hurts you know.. it hurts damn well when you see the person you care about cry because of you... not that you did something bad to them... but rather, it's because they see you hurting and they feel so helpless that all that they can do is cry.... CM don't deserve this.... she deserves to be happy always... so does HW and everyone else, everyone else that I snapped at.... I don't know......
我是如此的恨现在的自己。我究竟是谁，我已经不懂得该如何回答了。觉得自己有如一只迷失了方向的迷途羔羊。更觉得自己像个落地的天使，伤了翅膀、忘了如何飞翔。
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Dear Me...
EK said that perhaps I don't wanna get better... CM said that I am getting better... I say I am so freaking confused!!!
I have come to not understand what it means so smile and really mean it... perhaps, I have come to loose touch of reality, of who i really am and not so much of who I yearn to be or not to be... I don't know what am I feeling... I don't know what am I thinking... just a daze.... blurred...
saw a magnificent sight today as I walked home with A. two rainbows with brilliant colours across the wide sky. perhaps it's just me who's more sentitive then usual, or perhaps cos it's been raining and the weather is depressin... just perhaps... I don't know exactly... but for that instance, I felt like crying... I felt like just letting the floodgates open again... I felt like I wanna run into the arms of those I love and dearly missed and cry my heart out... I felt like a little girl... I am a little girl in seach for affection... but, from who?
I don't know what I am feeling... just that I am in this bottomless pit with not a single way of getting out... I am trapped..... I wanna scream!!!!!!!!
strong waves of emotions filling me... taking life away from me... I am breakin... collapsing.... I am like a bridge about to be washed away by the mighty waves from the angry sea that is staring straight into me eyes.... instilling in me, imense fear that I cannot fight... feel like letting go... I am but a girl... just a human being.. why do I desearve this? questions that has no answers... answers that don't belong to any questions.... finding it hard to hold on to reality and sanity no matter how hard i try to... my brain is killing me... slowly, silently... then it'll consume me, my every senses, my very pressence... untill i am left with but a body, built of flesh and bones... without a soul... a living walking organism who is said to be alive just because she is breathing and exhaling; alive yet dead, moving yet paralysed;crying yet numb... and agin, I am but a girl... what have I done to deserve this?
anger pain, sadness, laughter... all mixed up... entwined within my very soul... like a helpless fly in a cobweb I am... awaiting for my untimely death...
I am being melodramatic again... I am just being me, the me that I am so disgusted to even think about my very existance... the me that I have never wished to be... long gone were the days when I could distinguish emotions, long gone were the times when I can tell for certain the person I was... long gone were the knowledge and understanding that I had about myself... not that I had much to begin with.... and then again, perhaps, I really shouldn't be complaining... when you've lost so much, there is really nothin much that you can loose any more anyway...
I don't wanna be depressed.... Help me... anyone... I don't care... anyone... who even bothers... perhaps, I don't even deserve anyone to start with... perhaps, this world that I am living is but a world of make-belief... a world constructed by me and me myself holds the keys to set myself free... perhaps it has always been a game of "playing house" that I have constructed for myself and everyone else are just characters that I have made up through my imagination....
then perhaps, the question should be that.... when will I wake up?
from,
~me~
I have come to not understand what it means so smile and really mean it... perhaps, I have come to loose touch of reality, of who i really am and not so much of who I yearn to be or not to be... I don't know what am I feeling... I don't know what am I thinking... just a daze.... blurred...
saw a magnificent sight today as I walked home with A. two rainbows with brilliant colours across the wide sky. perhaps it's just me who's more sentitive then usual, or perhaps cos it's been raining and the weather is depressin... just perhaps... I don't know exactly... but for that instance, I felt like crying... I felt like just letting the floodgates open again... I felt like I wanna run into the arms of those I love and dearly missed and cry my heart out... I felt like a little girl... I am a little girl in seach for affection... but, from who?
I don't know what I am feeling... just that I am in this bottomless pit with not a single way of getting out... I am trapped..... I wanna scream!!!!!!!!
strong waves of emotions filling me... taking life away from me... I am breakin... collapsing.... I am like a bridge about to be washed away by the mighty waves from the angry sea that is staring straight into me eyes.... instilling in me, imense fear that I cannot fight... feel like letting go... I am but a girl... just a human being.. why do I desearve this? questions that has no answers... answers that don't belong to any questions.... finding it hard to hold on to reality and sanity no matter how hard i try to... my brain is killing me... slowly, silently... then it'll consume me, my every senses, my very pressence... untill i am left with but a body, built of flesh and bones... without a soul... a living walking organism who is said to be alive just because she is breathing and exhaling; alive yet dead, moving yet paralysed;crying yet numb... and agin, I am but a girl... what have I done to deserve this?
anger pain, sadness, laughter... all mixed up... entwined within my very soul... like a helpless fly in a cobweb I am... awaiting for my untimely death...
I am being melodramatic again... I am just being me, the me that I am so disgusted to even think about my very existance... the me that I have never wished to be... long gone were the days when I could distinguish emotions, long gone were the times when I can tell for certain the person I was... long gone were the knowledge and understanding that I had about myself... not that I had much to begin with.... and then again, perhaps, I really shouldn't be complaining... when you've lost so much, there is really nothin much that you can loose any more anyway...
I don't wanna be depressed.... Help me... anyone... I don't care... anyone... who even bothers... perhaps, I don't even deserve anyone to start with... perhaps, this world that I am living is but a world of make-belief... a world constructed by me and me myself holds the keys to set myself free... perhaps it has always been a game of "playing house" that I have constructed for myself and everyone else are just characters that I have made up through my imagination....
then perhaps, the question should be that.... when will I wake up?
from,
~me~