Another day is nearing it’s end, soon, I’ll be twenty years and one day old…
Time flies, it comes, it lingers long enough for a blink of an eye, then it goes… it never stays, no matter how much I begged and hope that it would…. Sometimes, it feels as though I have been chronically left behind by time, that it has purposely move at a speed that I can hardly catch up with it. Then again, perhaps it was never meant to be kept up with in the first place… Perhaps it have always been aware of the dangers of slowing down, the dangers of stopping…
It’s called survival instinct…
Twenty years, two decades, gone… A birthday cake to mark the beginning of another year, alive. I know this is getting a tad too pessimistic for a birthday post, but what the heck, I’m really not feeling that extremely wonderful so why pretend? I have accepted and resided to the fact that certain things just can’t be changed. My mood swings would most probably never ever leave me till the day I breathe my last breath and wave goodbye to this world I so hate and love, yet, I can learn to deal with it… I can live up to it… Mom will never become less critical of everything I do, but for the fact that she’s a perfectionist, she’s just being who she is, she’s just being normal.
To accept the fact, it really isn’t that hard, now when I do come to do it… it’s the deciding whether to take this step that is the hardest part… it’s always fear, doubt, anxiety…
Fear of residing to fate so much that the will to strife disappears,
Doubts of ever being able to see the sun through the now cloudy sky again,
Anxiety of the decisions made or about to be made…
Everyone yearns to live in a world where all the negatives don’t exist, in a world that everyone is happy and gay and at peace with one another…
A would of dream, really… A world of make believe…
“Negatives” as how I would like to call them, all things hurtful, worrying, all things welcoming the negative energy… the opposition party of the “Positives”
You hate them, you loath them… you wished that they don’t exist…
Yet, it’s them that makes you human, it’s them that has justified your life…
It is through walking alongside them and yet walk tall that qualifies you a testimony for the life you’ve led…
Through the years, I’ve learnt a lot, through pain, laughter, tears, you name it. Though it isn’t really the worst or the best things one can go through, but I guess, I really can’t discredit them as being “something” at least. It is not a competition as to who’s life is more screwed up than the other… it’s a testimony of a life after the death of one’s self, one’s soul, one’s mind. No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not dead, or I won’t be writing this now, would I?
A testimony of love, life, sacrifices and beyond…
No, it’s not like I am someone so great that everyone should know my story and be inspired or whatever by it, rather, it is a story that I would like to share, mainly with myself. It is a story that I need to feel proud of… for when you are a person with little self-esteem, little self assurance, you tend to feed on any praises that you can get, even if it comes from you yourself… it was a precious lesson that someone taught me over the years of knowing him…
The story of my life that is… a story of a childhood broken and scared…
Seriously, I know not of the reason of my urge to write and write and continue writing now… but it feels good, good to be the old melodramatic, expression crazy me again. Yet, somehow, it feels different this time around. What is it, I really don’t know. Perhaps it’s the lack of insanity to boost my creativity, perhaps, it is a turning point in my life where my mood swings are getting under control, mind you, I didn’t say it’s gone, it’s under control…
Don’t hope, I once told someone… for along with hope comes disappointment…
Which is better? To hope and continue faithfully believing though what you wished for never came true, or to live in a world that you accept everything as it is, not hoping, not believing in wishes and dreams coming true? I’ll gladly choose the latter one…
For continued disappointments shatter souls, break hearts, it’s nature‘s executioner, programmed to kill once it reaches its right amount of despair felt by a person.
Enough said, it’s time I start walking again… to walk towards surviving in this world and beyond…
Picking up pieces of my heart along the way…
Counting on, 3 more days till I leave for my home far away from home….
On another note, Jasmine’s been with us for the past few days… mom’s taking of her while her parents are away… She’s a girl that I wish so badly that I can help. Her mood swings, her insecurity….. Her childhood insanity…. All these I can so relate to…. It takes a loony to know another.
I don’t know… who am I to judge? Who am I to label someone, more so that she‘s merely a young child of four? Hey, don’t I hate labels myself? But then again, the pain I see, deep within her child’s eyes… the unspeakable pain that only she knows. Her loneliness, despair, fear, insecurities….. Now ain’t that just so darn familiar?
Like I said, how long more must people like this innocent little angel suffer before Malaysian parents take note of the possibilities of childhood psychiatric disorders, as well as to accept it? Thing is, ignorance is bliss, but untreated illnesses advance and endanger… Is it worthy enough a risk to take?
Sigh, what can I do? Who am I to even voice it out? All that I can is to wish you good luck and may you never have to end up broken beyond repair…
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