sigh....

I feel empty..... it's as if my insides are hollow, a huge empty void....

what is rel and what is not? the thin fine line seperating it has been blurred for me..... everything seems like a blurr..... is this just another of my moodswings or is it something entirely new? is this feeling or rather "not feeling" a side effect from the medications that I have been on so as to sustain my sanity, or is it my illness speaking, warning me of an impending relapse?

I wonder.... I truly wonder....

it's hard.... it's hard to be me, let alone live with me..... yet I am thankful for whatever friends that I have left in my life..... this is not to say that the hurt from her leaving is lessoning.... is just that I have chosen to ignore the wound untill later.... that is, untill i think I am strong enough to deal with my feelings once again........

and I wonder when will that day come......

I am not sad..... it's just that something isn't quite right here......
but then, perhaps she was right.... as always.... about my lamenting about everything that I in her view, is going wrong in my life......

I don't wanna be a cry baby......
but being emotionless is not much better either.....
true that at least I don't think my life is no longer endangered, by me at least..... but then again, what on Earth is living without feeling....?

but I guess some people are truly bron to suffer I guess.... you jsut can't have everything..... well, I guess it's a choice between the lesser of the two evils.....