what should I do? what action should I take in regards to the medication when I go home for holiday? stick to it or what? stick to it and risk being found out by mom or not stick to it and risk going crazy again.... that is, if I am stable enough to go crazy while keeping myself alive that is.... I really shouldn't be worryin myself over this.... it's not worth the pain and anguish... over things which are yet to come which I don't even know what the outsome would be.... perhaps this is the real reason of my fear... not so much of fear of being found out or the fear of falling down again, but rather fear of the unknown reaction of my mom and everyone else at home.... yea... it's the fear of the unknown that is driving me crazy now.....
sometimes I really wish taht I am so crazy that I cease to function so that mom will believe that I am not making anything up.... just because I am functioning doesn't mean that I am not hurting.... just because I am now calmer and more sane, I should say, it doesn't mean that whatever happened last year was fake or imaginery.....
yes, he did push me... and yes, I did try to kill myself twice in a year..... and yes, I was full of crap the whole year and I was basically a monster.... why can't you acknowledge the fact that you've been rob of your daughter for two year at the minimun......?
or wait, is it you mom, that I wish to convince or is it me myself that I try to drum into my thick skull that yes things have changed, and yes, I do feel different... and yes... my continuous search for reassurance from others espeacially C and H is so because I am just couldn't believe my lucky star that I am actually getting better.... well, at least more in control if not better that is..... it's jsut so hard to believe that I, a person where most of the times have been cursed with bad luck... a person that was brought into this world not worthy of love and happiness is actually starting to feel more hopeful.....
please, please God, let it not be just one of my dreams.....
please don't let me wake then if it is....
asked C during the session if I need to re-take the medication when I return next year and he said that perhaps I would not even want to see him anymore.... well, I don't hate him.... but yea... it's true that I don't really wanna be a basket case forever.....
soemtimes I really do wonder... is it me or is he really that optimistic a person.... or perhaps due to circumstances of his work he has to be I guess.... I don't know..... well, I was afraid of the epilim is the main reason why I feel much better now... but he said that epilim wouldn't change
who I am or whatsoever.... it just calms me down....
was it a relief for me or was it not? I am just so so confused.....
what is it that I really want anyway? I keep complaining about everything that's happened, is happening, will happen.... I really feel like what CM said I was.... a self centred b***! everything is about ME, ME, ME.....
I hate me.....
everything is jsut so darn freaking confusing..... I was feeling better, no doubts about that..... but did I choose to suddenly fall back down or what? am I such a mesochistic person that what Rev said was true that I actually enjoyed playin the role of the victim? that I need to be in pain to feel loved? and that I am not hapy unless I am miserable???
is this me talking or is it my depression talking?
is it me keeping myself sane or is it the cocktail of medication that's preventing me from embarking on a trip to the funny farm?
and I wonder why people call basket cases fruit cakes......
hmm... perhaps it's because it's just so confusing.....
and I think I am loosing it now..... my mind is spining again.......
it's 6.35 am now......
I'm not feeling suicidal but I guess a leopard never shed it's spots...... perhaps my inner self is more screwed up than I think it already is... at this rate of being a "sleep aneroxic", I am so gonna die young......
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