Tuesday, November 29, 2005

a song you have loved

Melodies of Life
Emiko Shiratori
Alone for awhile I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life, love's lost refrain

Been hard, trying to pick up the pieces of me that has been scattered everywhere the day I was broke apart.
I guess, iit's because I didn't want to let you go.... I know I said that it was okay... but I guess, I was never a great liar to myself....
Even though time have flew by, I have been searching all these while in the dark for this light of yours that will never againshine in my life....
Searching for this love that I had alowed you to leave behind.
Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold

I am jsut as puzzled as you are on how we were stuckk together throughout the many years we spent together.... but I am thankful for the oppportunity to be your friend though baffled by your sudden leaving..... Though I bame you not, nor am I angered till hatred fills my heart and soul,
a wound carved by one you love no matter how shallow the cutting, takes more than just time and tender loving care to heal.....
I guess, there is no medicine better than amnesia....
But since it's not some miracle druug that you can by from any drug store... nor can you attain it through other means without compromising other memories, I guess, saying goodbye is as far as the healing can go.....
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

Yes, the hope and dreams are stll here....
perhaps it will never ever go away for as long as I live.....
hopes and dreams of you returning....
to see you smile once again......

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond

A voive from the past...
A bridge built of memories.....
strong enough to sustain, but not strong enough to hold....

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

Birds.....
can you recognise her from far?
can you bring her heart back to me?
flap your wigs and fly.....
I know it's hard to keep your near....
I know your wings are meant for flying....

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?
A good question you've asked in your letter to me...
A question that has left me pondering on and on....
and now a question that I would ask you....
A question demanding no answer...
Do you remember me?

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember
Do you? Will you? Would you want to?
I guess, sometimes things just cannot be controled by sheer will....
It is true what they say....
that it required to hands to clap......

Friday, November 25, 2005

coming home..... a mistake?

It hasn't even been a week and things are already getting to become how it used to be before I left.... perhaps, on second thought, I shouldn'y have wanted so desperately to come home.... if only I could foresee this coming before I board the plane to come home.....

if only....

what is a holiday when I am actually more stressed out and busy then when I am occupied with my uni work? what sort of a holiday is this? I truly wonder.....

took back the Epilim last night..... jsut couldn't stand her no more.... I just couldn't take it any longer.... I am collapsing.... please, anyone... someone, please catch me.... I am falling and am falling real fast....

I really really don't wish to relapse again.... I don't wanna fall back into that deep darkness of depression.... neither do I wish to once again venture into the land of the insane.... I don't want....!!! It has taken me many tears and pain to get to where I am now and I am not about to willingly give it up yet..... but then again, I am so not sure how much longer can I actually hold on like this.....

will I even be able to survive till I return? or will I return to my tiny little space in Melbourne that feels more like home than this house full of people who were called my friends and relatives, once agian in pieces and needing C and J to pick me up and glue me back together?

I really had enough of these ... all of these... I jsut can't understand... i just can't comprehend.....

it's currently 4.01 am Malaysian time and yet I don't feel sleepy at all.... I jsut feel like vanishing from the surface of the earth.... i am jsut feeling so darn presured by my own surroundings.....

coming back.... it's good to be home... but I guess if given a choice to choose again, perhaps I would more likely choose to remain there by myself... find a job... whatever... than to come back and endanger myself with her never ending criticisms.....

perhaps it's just a big stupid mistake.....
but I do know that when I wake up next morning.... this is not one nightmare that would just cease to exist in my memory....

for I know that the store house of memory is so huge that nothing gets lost.... and that things just gets put into their respective places and will be retrieved when needed.....

therefore.... I can't really forget....
no matter how much I would love to.....
no matter how much.....

Monday, November 21, 2005

am back...

they say home is where the heart resides....
but then it makes me ponder why is a piece of my heart still feels as if it's wandering on its own somewhere? where is me?

touched ground last night at around 8.25pm at KLIA....
it's been a while....
since I last came home....

a lot has changed....
I havve changed, things have canged...
and most importantly, feelings of my own as well as that of others have underwent major changes as well...

I guess,
when one leaves, no matter when that person returns, be it a year later, a month later, or even a mere hour later.... when that person returns, everything chages.... othing remains....

Sunday, November 20, 2005

後14時・・・

今日はマレシャに帰ります。
でも、楽しみにしません。
如何したの?

今晚回家了。大约大马时间傍晚八点多飞机便会到达KLIA了。
应该是很向往今日才是的,但,为何我的心有股放不下的感觉呢?
是我真的放不开手呢?
还是我其实从头到尾都不曾想放手呢?

不明白!
多日睡眠不足的脑袋……是模糊不清的!

Friday, November 18, 2005

感觉怪怪的……

并不晓得该如何解释,现在心中这股怪怪的感觉……
仿佛,现实中的这个我,其实并不是真实的自己……

后天要回国了,心中,却找不到丝毫跳得比平日快的感觉……
在想,使我太过于兴奋而导致麻木了呢?
还是平日的情绪不稳造就出今日完全缺乏情绪的我呢?

头好昏,心,好乱!

不要再想了!不要再理了!
放手吧!我心中的自己……
就当是我来求求你……放手,好吗?

Sunday, November 06, 2005

sigh....

I feel empty..... it's as if my insides are hollow, a huge empty void....

what is rel and what is not? the thin fine line seperating it has been blurred for me..... everything seems like a blurr..... is this just another of my moodswings or is it something entirely new? is this feeling or rather "not feeling" a side effect from the medications that I have been on so as to sustain my sanity, or is it my illness speaking, warning me of an impending relapse?

I wonder.... I truly wonder....

it's hard.... it's hard to be me, let alone live with me..... yet I am thankful for whatever friends that I have left in my life..... this is not to say that the hurt from her leaving is lessoning.... is just that I have chosen to ignore the wound untill later.... that is, untill i think I am strong enough to deal with my feelings once again........

and I wonder when will that day come......

I am not sad..... it's just that something isn't quite right here......
but then, perhaps she was right.... as always.... about my lamenting about everything that I in her view, is going wrong in my life......

I don't wanna be a cry baby......
but being emotionless is not much better either.....
true that at least I don't think my life is no longer endangered, by me at least..... but then again, what on Earth is living without feeling....?

but I guess some people are truly bron to suffer I guess.... you jsut can't have everything..... well, I guess it's a choice between the lesser of the two evils.....

Friday, November 04, 2005

another day has gone by, yet in the night my heart resides...

saw C today.. yesterday actually cos it's already 5.25 am Friday... woke up half way though my sleep and couldn't fall back to sleep.... it's been like this for the past few days.... what on Earth is wrong with me? one problem after another.... who can I blame? how can I blame her for being fed up with me.... it's just an endless list of problems....

what should I do? what action should I take in regards to the medication when I go home for holiday? stick to it or what? stick to it and risk being found out by mom or not stick to it and risk going crazy again.... that is, if I am stable enough to go crazy while keeping myself alive that is.... I really shouldn't be worryin myself over this.... it's not worth the pain and anguish... over things which are yet to come which I don't even know what the outsome would be.... perhaps this is the real reason of my fear... not so much of fear of being found out or the fear of falling down again, but rather fear of the unknown reaction of my mom and everyone else at home.... yea... it's the fear of the unknown that is driving me crazy now.....

sometimes I really wish taht I am so crazy that I cease to function so that mom will believe that I am not making anything up.... just because I am functioning doesn't mean that I am not hurting.... just because I am now calmer and more sane, I should say, it doesn't mean that whatever happened last year was fake or imaginery.....

yes, he did push me... and yes, I did try to kill myself twice in a year..... and yes, I was full of crap the whole year and I was basically a monster.... why can't you acknowledge the fact that you've been rob of your daughter for two year at the minimun......?

or wait, is it you mom, that I wish to convince or is it me myself that I try to drum into my thick skull that yes things have changed, and yes, I do feel different... and yes... my continuous search for reassurance from others espeacially C and H is so because I am just couldn't believe my lucky star that I am actually getting better.... well, at least more in control if not better that is..... it's jsut so hard to believe that I, a person where most of the times have been cursed with bad luck... a person that was brought into this world not worthy of love and happiness is actually starting to feel more hopeful.....

please, please God, let it not be just one of my dreams.....
please don't let me wake then if it is....
asked C during the session if I need to re-take the medication when I return next year and he said that perhaps I would not even want to see him anymore.... well, I don't hate him.... but yea... it's true that I don't really wanna be a basket case forever.....
soemtimes I really do wonder... is it me or is he really that optimistic a person.... or perhaps due to circumstances of his work he has to be I guess.... I don't know..... well, I was afraid of the epilim is the main reason why I feel much better now... but he said that epilim wouldn't change
who I am or whatsoever.... it just calms me down....
was it a relief for me or was it not? I am just so so confused.....
what is it that I really want anyway? I keep complaining about everything that's happened, is happening, will happen.... I really feel like what CM said I was.... a self centred b***! everything is about ME, ME, ME.....
I hate me.....
everything is jsut so darn freaking confusing..... I was feeling better, no doubts about that..... but did I choose to suddenly fall back down or what? am I such a mesochistic person that what Rev said was true that I actually enjoyed playin the role of the victim? that I need to be in pain to feel loved? and that I am not hapy unless I am miserable???
is this me talking or is it my depression talking?
is it me keeping myself sane or is it the cocktail of medication that's preventing me from embarking on a trip to the funny farm?
and I wonder why people call basket cases fruit cakes......
hmm... perhaps it's because it's just so confusing.....
and I think I am loosing it now..... my mind is spining again.......
it's 6.35 am now......
I'm not feeling suicidal but I guess a leopard never shed it's spots...... perhaps my inner self is more screwed up than I think it already is... at this rate of being a "sleep aneroxic", I am so gonna die young......

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

是时候放手了

最近的心情 是空荡的
最近的梦境 是
世界不会因我而停留
时间和我擦身而过 谁也没回头
这一刻是永远的……
降落到忧郁之城里也约有三周之久了吧……
这次的路程,我该怎么走呢?
眼前的十字路口,哪个方向才是归家路的起点呢?
在众多的选择之中,我的心,开始慌张了……
有时真的觉得实在是累坏了……
有种好想放弃的感觉,觉得这一切的困苦都是不值得的……
心情,是麻木的、没感情的、冷却的……
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
我喜欢独自一个人慢走在夕阳西下时刻的山坡上……
晚风抚摸着我脸庞的感觉,是温暖的、冲满爱与关怀的……
遇见那满脸忧伤的小女孩的日子恰是昨日一样……
是时间比从前走得较慢了呢?还是是我自己不想让这“昨天”离我太远的关系呢?
是我不愿放手呢?还是因为只有回忆才能够告诉我是谁呢?
小女孩怀里紧紧地抱着一只雪白的小熊,坐在我常独自欣赏黄昏的树下,
静静的哭泣……
本来就并不很喜欢小孩子……多麻烦的东西呀!
再说,一个在夕阳西下这美景里头静静掉泪的小女孩,一点儿也不可爱……
一双泪汪汪的眼睛往我这儿望了过来。
“别去理她……”我的心,悄悄的警告我,
“别望她的眼!会后悔的!”
但,太迟了……我被警告得太迟了……
无论我怎么反抗,蠢蠢欲动的心,早已被那怀里抱着小熊的小女孩夺走了……
我想自由的飞……,那怀里紧抱着小熊的小女孩, 擦干眼眶里的泪,羞答答地告诉我。
这时,不仅令我想起,很久以前的我,也曾是个幻想能够自由地飞翔的小女孩。
但,我也知道,那从前的我,早已随着光阴而流走了……
因为,成长的路程使我学会了人生中最重要的一门课、一道题:
“事实是个梦,现实人生是一场梦,时间到了,就会醒,醒了后,一切只剩下回忆。而“希望”只是梦的粮食,并不是什么特效药。它只能够让我们在梦间里逗留久些……,是不会使梦想成真的。”
小女孩抱着小熊又哭起了……
她的心好疼。有种好像被许许多多根针刺的感觉……
她觉得被无形的绳子绑得紧紧的,呼吸好困难……
她害怕,她想回家……
但,家早已被无情的双亲毁灭了……
年纪轻轻的小女孩,什么都不晓得,只懂得哭泣、只懂得抱着小熊哭泣……
好无奈,好无助的感觉……
看着她哭泣的日子,我什么也办不到,
就连把肩膀借给她这一件渺小的事,
我也办不到!
对不起,真的真的对不起……
除了只站在远方的一个角落里眼晶晶地望着你受苦……,
其他的事,我全都无法办到!
许多年了,这些埋藏了许久的苦痛……
放手吧,女孩!
是时候放手了……
你和其他小孩一样,
都是值得拥有微笑的日子的……

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

note : I am not depressed...

Everything seems weird nowadays... the future seems bleak too..... I don't know why am i feeling this way, am not sure about a lot of things nowadays anyways.... everything feels like a blur.... everything... I am so unsure and insecure....

I know not of what I am babbling about.... I know not of even my own thoughts and emotions.... all I do know is that I am still living..... yes, alive I still am.... but then, is it just a transaction of air in my lungs, rythemic beatings of my heart that signifies my living? can I truly be considered as a living organism, a person with half of me lost somewhere in the wilderness, dying gradually due to depliting in emotions?

what justifies living anyway?

I haven't been sleeping again...
yes I know it's not doing me good...
yes I know it'll make me age faster.....
but do you know.... of the pain of insomnia.... ?
has it ever dawn upon you how it feels like to be plague with this illness with no face, this pain with no accurate word to describe it?

I don't know what am I saying anymore...
I don't know what are my thoughts either....
what i know is :
I don't know anything anymore...

and again, note : I am not depressed....
just being me perhaps.....