Abused?

J said that it was abuse.... but was I? unsure... am I suppressing my inner most feelings? am I cheating and lying to myself, trying to convince myself that nothin happen? or was it that there really was nothing happening that night? and those many nights before... when I can't do nothing but cry and cry.... in hopes that the tears will somehow wash away all that I would gladly disown as mine.... but I gueess things like this... thoughts and wishes like this will only be real in movies that make them real.... they can't be real in real life.... can it? can tears bring comfort? can tears wash away the pain? someone, anyone.... please, convince me.....

HW and all have been back home for quite sometime now... and S is out in the city while I can hardly tell WJ any serious stuff that is on my mind.... I am all alone.... me, myself... and my "temporary" room..... my home "kononnya". they say that the home is where the heart is... but, where is my heart? where?

maybe someone will call out :　忘れ物ですよ。この心わ誰のですか。
then perhaps then I would be able to call out :　はい、わたしのです。
~and retrive my long lost heart.....~ ha! I must be going crazy! or am I already crazy? that is why I am seeing Dr. C right.....

why did he push me? why? I can't remember or is it that I don't want to remember? then why the flashbacks? why come and bother me now? what have I done? why can the past be past and let me go? or is it me who is unwilling to let it go? is it me who is so tirelessly holding on to what little recollections that I have about my past and all in order to justify my being here? to affirm myself that I am real... that it is not a fantasy wolrd that I live in... but in fact is the real one... it's the real deal...

remember....

why was I locked in the bathroom? it was dark... so dark and scary... what was it that I had done? what? why sis he locked me in there? where is mommy? where is everyone? wait... did it happen or did I made it up? he off the lights.... why? it's the downstairs toilet.... next to the kitchen.... wait... is the scene from when I was still stayin from cheras or is this scene or rather memory a distorted version of what happened when I was 11 years ole? what happened that day.... mom... chasing me... overdosing.....

can't remember.....
amnesia....

mom scolded me on my birthday last year... or was it the year before? what on earth is happening to my memory? why are there missing pieces here and there? what is happening to me? who am I anyway.... having a name doesn't really gives you much assurance of who you are you know.... it's what you feel about yourself that can determine if you're real or fake , alive or dead..... right now, I feel dead.....

boredom kills....

they say that my mom was the best mom ever.... but I knew the truth.... the cold hard truth that people couldn't have figured out if I were to not tell them at all.... it was children's day.... CKS '94.... balloons... everywhere..... my mom helped set up the place.... she was wearing a baju kurung... she was the most beautiful mom ever.... the youngest among my other friends' moms.... and apparently the nicest "aunties" there.... mom helped decorate my class.... the last time help ever helped in any of my functions for that matter....

mom went away.... never returned...

she's cold.... so cold towards me... but yet I know... and I know just too well how fiery is her flame of undying love for me...

confusion, welcome to my sweet abode... with open arms I welcome you.... I hate you....

silence..... confusion... depression.....