wallowing in self pity....

am I?

perhaps I really am...
am not sure anymore.

these thoughts are private... or so it seems... perhaps I do have it all writen across my face... the portrait of a emotion-filled being living in misery....

why is it that others who may have the same condition as me are able to live fufilling lives? is it me then who is the one who is not happy with what I have? am i really being ungrateful?
why is it that I feel that all joy had been sucked out of me... left me alone to await my untimely death?
why is it?

perhaps it is only me wallowing in self pity....
perhaps I really do despise being happy for I know not how... and am too afraid to set myself free of the only life I've known... though it's painful... it's still more familiar than a supposedly "happy" life which I know not how to live....

why is it so?

how much can a heart take?

the same heart, broken three times over three days...

how much more can it take before it eventually bleeds to death?

loosing the ones i love, whose times i've cherished sharing with...
loosing the promise that at one time i really did believed it to be real...
loosing the belief in myself that i've worked so hard in gaining over the many years spent in agony through lessons that were at times near emotionally abusive...

a dream that i've never dared to dream yet at one point was almost convinced of its reality...

I hate myself, despice this word... and I hope to die...

how much am i expected to take into this young heart of mine...?
now is just time and way....

stopping me? perhaps...
not worth it...

好痛，但我依然会忍耐……

他们都说，时间能够冲淡一切，这回受的伤，这回流过的泪，是否能够跟随时间的流逝，成为一个过去呢？应该可以吧……展开双手，让一切随着漂浮在空中的落叶变成一个回忆吧，一个爱过，也哭过的回忆吧！

你没离开我，这也许是不幸中的大幸……
每成敌人，依然还可成知心好友……
谢谢你……

这一切，我满足了……

让你受了伤，对不起……

ramblings

I feel like my moodswings are back. somedays it's so empty inside that I feel like I am floating above myself while somedays i feel so trapped, as if the house or any building for that matter is a small box that has imprisoned me in. I feel like screaming my lungs out, but i don't see the reasoning behind this.

if you're thinking if I have been quarelling with my mom, the answer is no. it's more like she's shouting but I am not getting anything registered as even her voice felt distant. I think you call it dissociation.

i am begining to start feeling like being on a emotional roller coaster all over again and it find the idea of self harm altogether tempting and exicting. am i addicted to pain? am i becoming more crazy than I already am? i feel like i am hurting alot. hurting so much deep inside, but these feelings are somehow playing hide and seek with me. appearing out of no where to grab my attention, only to fade back into the shadows when noticed and the whole thing repeats itself all over again.

my mind is full of things...

i'm scared...

i'm lonely...

i'm missing something inside....

it's getting harder and harder to hang on... but somehow, at the weirdest times, i manage to pull through...

nonsensical ramblings...

fear is creeping in...

is it really the fear? is this the meaning of loosing confidance or is this what normal people usually feel... what they would call "uncertainity"? perhaps I am jsut thinking too much... perhaps all these are but emotions that can be simply passed off as normal everyday feelings...

but then again... somehow, in a way somewhat terrifying, I sense not its familiarity....

I feel alien feeling like me... this current me... I have no knowledge of....

it's a sudden fear of "what if"s for my future... well, for this year at least... it's my finals this year and I really need to get the grades that will be my key to opening more doors leading down this path in psychology that i've so stubournly chosen as my set career... and the more I think of it, the lest confident I feel... the less confidence I found within myself, the more I am questioning my own capabilities, and now, my sanity....

what if all these worrying are nothing but part of my anxiety?

or worse...

what if the initial high self esteem and confidence was nothing but a mere exhibition of how cunningly deceiving my supposed "hypomania" can be?

my blessing and my curse....