not a shrink, not a counsellor... not a doctor... but a friend... I just need a friend right NOW.....
can't say it was a bad seesion, can't say it was good either... it just left me broken.... with this gashing wound unnoticed perhaps by anyone but me... am feeling broken... so deep is the injury that I sensed a sudden form of acute paralysis swamped through me.... they say that when the pain is too intense, you'll go numb....
old wounds have been reopened....
it hurts.... fighting hard to hold back tears.... all the buried emotions tryin to flee from my firm grip of self denial.... I am but a girl.... indeed.... I am but a girl....
I liked him... for being who he is.... yet at that very moment... how much I hated him for making me recall and remember... not sure if it was intensional or not... it was just like any other session that we had before... jsut that suddenly I felt attacked.... wish I could hide away.... I don't wanna be that crying child again.... yet I don't wanna be that stong person that is tryin to be there for anyone but herself... I don't know what I want....
running around in circles...
do I wanna be discovered?
do I wanna remain hiddened?
conflict of the mind and soul....
so very subtle are the actions of emotions...
that they creeped into you before you even know what anger is.....
they are the creator of pain...
the ultimate force of suffering....
why me? why is it I that have to endure...?
a little child crying ot loud...
a little child unable to comprehend...
yet, she was not spared of these nightmarish events that her young mind fought hard to understand...
a little girl cryin in the rain...
please rain, please wash away her pain....
I feel like I am babbling about nonsensical things... but then, what makes up common sense if not us human? I don't wanna be a stereotype....
I wanna be a different girl....
not that teary eyed little girl...
but a young lady with the courage to hope and dream.....
a young lady who wants to spread her wings and soar.....
not like a timid little mouse in hiding.... not she...
confused....
help me....
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
dying (~.~)
had a good day in the city with Jon and all.... really.... a good day... went sightseeing.... the aquarium.... the clochlate place which was heavenly.... and yes... those flames.... the ones just outside crowns.....
but now, it feels as though I am dying....
I can't explain this.... I never could.... the fluctuations of my moods brings me along this winding journey of no return.... a journey that may cost me my sanity if not my life...
feeling down.....
no one to catch me as I fall....
deeper and deeper I descend....
into a place where I can see nothing but the bright sky above me that I will never reach... never..
been feeling "out of it" the whole time... is it the change in dosage or is it just one of my low periods.... I realise now that I have even lost the ability to distinguise one from another.... will I loose the ability to even know myself in the near future? will I even have a future.... right now... it all looks....
bleak....
to my young adult eyes....
grey.... everywhere.... absence of any distinction....
pool of muddled waters....
grey in color.... only soon to be brightened by crimson tears....
.... that creates tiny ripples that creates upon it a canvas painted with passion of the stories of yesternight.... stories of pain and anguish....
and let me before I depart.... leave behind a mark... perhaps the only visible proof of my existance....
as I dream of being the painter of this canvas....
red....
but now, it feels as though I am dying....
I can't explain this.... I never could.... the fluctuations of my moods brings me along this winding journey of no return.... a journey that may cost me my sanity if not my life...
feeling down.....
no one to catch me as I fall....
deeper and deeper I descend....
into a place where I can see nothing but the bright sky above me that I will never reach... never..
been feeling "out of it" the whole time... is it the change in dosage or is it just one of my low periods.... I realise now that I have even lost the ability to distinguise one from another.... will I loose the ability to even know myself in the near future? will I even have a future.... right now... it all looks....
bleak....
to my young adult eyes....
grey.... everywhere.... absence of any distinction....
pool of muddled waters....
grey in color.... only soon to be brightened by crimson tears....
.... that creates tiny ripples that creates upon it a canvas painted with passion of the stories of yesternight.... stories of pain and anguish....
and let me before I depart.... leave behind a mark... perhaps the only visible proof of my existance....
as I dream of being the painter of this canvas....
red....
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Dear depression...
hey...
was thinking about you... just felt like writing a letter to you today... tryin to see how you are.... apparently, you've not change your address I see.... you're still here, inside my heart... residing in my very soul... it's been ages.... are you not tired? cause I am....
wanted to tell you this... I truly HATE you.... why don't you just pack your bags and leave? I don't need you around to remind me of who I am... you don't need to be the creator of my personality.... you are nothing actually... in case no one has ever told you this... you have never been anything to anyone... and you won't be for me....
but I LOVE you.....
you are what makes me me.... you are the only part of me that I can understand.... at least your mechanics I do comprehend.... you are also the one thing that has sustained my creativity....
I am scared.... I don't like your presence but I am afraid of your absence....
I have grown so accustomed to you that I now fear that when I loose you finally, I may not like the new me that I will get from your departure.... I am scared in giving you up... yet in the mean time I can't wait to be rid of you.....
was thinking about you... just felt like writing a letter to you today... tryin to see how you are.... apparently, you've not change your address I see.... you're still here, inside my heart... residing in my very soul... it's been ages.... are you not tired? cause I am....
wanted to tell you this... I truly HATE you.... why don't you just pack your bags and leave? I don't need you around to remind me of who I am... you don't need to be the creator of my personality.... you are nothing actually... in case no one has ever told you this... you have never been anything to anyone... and you won't be for me....
but I LOVE you.....
you are what makes me me.... you are the only part of me that I can understand.... at least your mechanics I do comprehend.... you are also the one thing that has sustained my creativity....
I am scared.... I don't like your presence but I am afraid of your absence....
I have grown so accustomed to you that I now fear that when I loose you finally, I may not like the new me that I will get from your departure.... I am scared in giving you up... yet in the mean time I can't wait to be rid of you.....
you've hurt me
leaving me to bleed silently
no comfort, no empathy
yet you are my identity
love : ~me~
lost... confused....
I cried....
Jon came over.... I am but a child.... wanting and needing to be cuddled and loved... and yet the one person who wouldn't and couldn't love me is me myself.... yes... me...
feeling down... so down that everything seems so bleak... that as if I am spinning out of control once again.... perhaps I really am.... who am I anyway? a girl with problems or the problematic girl?
am finding myself caught in this sudden whirlpool of anger... this fiery rage that is trying to consume me... perhaps, it might as well have succeeded half way based on the fact that I am now loosing my mind or at least starting to.... I hate HER.... yes, read my lips.. I hate her, dispise her.... I am suffering cause of the letter..... that letter she wrote that threw me off the edge....
I need to blame someone else...
I don't think I can go on taking everything inwards.... I need an outlet...
I must stop taking the blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life....
I am but a girl....
Jon thought that I was suicidal... can't blame him.... it must have freaked him out... well, it did freak me out though.... fact is... I am just feeling terrible... not suicidal....
depression, screw you... not gonna loose to you...
I just wanna be normal... but then, again who is normal? what is normal?
time flies and sometimes I feel like I am missing out... that I can't catch up with it.. it is tryin to leave me behind.... is it not?
trapped.....
Jon came over.... I am but a child.... wanting and needing to be cuddled and loved... and yet the one person who wouldn't and couldn't love me is me myself.... yes... me...
feeling down... so down that everything seems so bleak... that as if I am spinning out of control once again.... perhaps I really am.... who am I anyway? a girl with problems or the problematic girl?
am finding myself caught in this sudden whirlpool of anger... this fiery rage that is trying to consume me... perhaps, it might as well have succeeded half way based on the fact that I am now loosing my mind or at least starting to.... I hate HER.... yes, read my lips.. I hate her, dispise her.... I am suffering cause of the letter..... that letter she wrote that threw me off the edge....
I need to blame someone else...
I don't think I can go on taking everything inwards.... I need an outlet...
I must stop taking the blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life....
I am but a girl....
Jon thought that I was suicidal... can't blame him.... it must have freaked him out... well, it did freak me out though.... fact is... I am just feeling terrible... not suicidal....
depression, screw you... not gonna loose to you...
I just wanna be normal... but then, again who is normal? what is normal?
time flies and sometimes I feel like I am missing out... that I can't catch up with it.. it is tryin to leave me behind.... is it not?
trapped.....
