I've stopped publishing my posts... most of them are now saved as drafts... is it because I realized the insecurity of the online world or is it that I no longer feel the confidence in my own writing?
is my self esteem really that low that i have to give up even my words? or is it that I've given up trying to be heard?
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
it's been a while...
Finally, it'll be my turn graduating from uni and all....
right now, somehow it feels so surreal that all those times when I was down and troubled and having my own mind turn against myself... to comming out of the darkness and leaving the despair behind me as milestone to remind myself of what was real and what wasn't....
well, I know that...
my grandmother having a stroke and needed brain surgery while brushing with death was real... that I almost lost her, almost lost that special someone who brought me up, who loved and cared for me over herself...
that was real....
that, it's finally 10 years since the day the most important man in my life left me for a better place without even saying goodbye to anyone of us and that my mother as a result changed from the loving and kind lady that she was into a bitter critical person.... perhaps it was the fact that her wall had collapsed and that she felt abandoned by the most important person to her and yet no anger could be expressed as it was death that took him away from us...
yea, don't really wanna believe it, but I can and should not convince myself otherwise...
the one that I thought I would be sharing my life with hit me, shouted and screamed at me, with me fighting back, that was real... his depression and my problems made it hard for us to live under the same roof, let alone continue a relationship... yes, it was real....
so was the pain that I don't speak about even till now, three months since i last saw him...
how is he doing now I wonder....
does he still think of me sometimes as how I think about him?
the fact that I was not well was true too.... it was so much of a reality that it hit me so hard that I finally realized that I have not really accepted it though I often said i had in the past... it made me realize that there indeed is a HUGE difference from acknowledgement and acceptance....
I guess, in more ways than not, being able to talk openly about my problems and not being ashame of seeking help was more of acknowledgement that i do have a problem and that i couldn't cope as well as others can... but acceptance, well, that is a totally different issue altogether...
Linwood was real and it was a bittersweet experience for me...
in someways I guess, being there acted as the final straw that broke my self denial and unacceptance... being supervised, being in a facility forced me to face the fact of my inability to even look after myself... but that aside, being there also helped me gain confidence which i would never have gotten elsewhere if it's not for the fact that there was so much encouragement and inspiration that a person can generate no matter how disabled they are, as long as they want to, the strenght in tryin itself can create miracles....
right now, somehow it feels so surreal that all those times when I was down and troubled and having my own mind turn against myself... to comming out of the darkness and leaving the despair behind me as milestone to remind myself of what was real and what wasn't....
well, I know that...
my grandmother having a stroke and needed brain surgery while brushing with death was real... that I almost lost her, almost lost that special someone who brought me up, who loved and cared for me over herself...
that was real....
that, it's finally 10 years since the day the most important man in my life left me for a better place without even saying goodbye to anyone of us and that my mother as a result changed from the loving and kind lady that she was into a bitter critical person.... perhaps it was the fact that her wall had collapsed and that she felt abandoned by the most important person to her and yet no anger could be expressed as it was death that took him away from us...
yea, don't really wanna believe it, but I can and should not convince myself otherwise...
the one that I thought I would be sharing my life with hit me, shouted and screamed at me, with me fighting back, that was real... his depression and my problems made it hard for us to live under the same roof, let alone continue a relationship... yes, it was real....
so was the pain that I don't speak about even till now, three months since i last saw him...
how is he doing now I wonder....
does he still think of me sometimes as how I think about him?
the fact that I was not well was true too.... it was so much of a reality that it hit me so hard that I finally realized that I have not really accepted it though I often said i had in the past... it made me realize that there indeed is a HUGE difference from acknowledgement and acceptance....
I guess, in more ways than not, being able to talk openly about my problems and not being ashame of seeking help was more of acknowledgement that i do have a problem and that i couldn't cope as well as others can... but acceptance, well, that is a totally different issue altogether...
Linwood was real and it was a bittersweet experience for me...
in someways I guess, being there acted as the final straw that broke my self denial and unacceptance... being supervised, being in a facility forced me to face the fact of my inability to even look after myself... but that aside, being there also helped me gain confidence which i would never have gotten elsewhere if it's not for the fact that there was so much encouragement and inspiration that a person can generate no matter how disabled they are, as long as they want to, the strenght in tryin itself can create miracles....
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
referring on...
saw a clinical psych specializing in self harm and BPD yesterday.
I'm pretty screwed up hey...
scared...
I'm pretty screwed up hey...
scared...
it wasn't a mistake...
I've always been so afraid of abandonment, of being pushed away by those few that I trust... but was I not the one pushing people away instead? I have indeed been selfish... for being who i was, for repeating something which I've vowed not to repeat...
I did it again...
yes, I can give all sorts of reasons saying that I was in such great deal of pain, that life seems so tiring and such... but then, didn't I hurt when Val left? didn't her premature departing left me wounded by a gash so big that it will take years and years to come in order ofr me to even achieve a sense of healing?
so how could I have thought of even doing it to my friends and all those that I so dearly love and care about?
perhaps this should keep me alive...
then again...
I've been stupid again...
I did it again...
yes, I can give all sorts of reasons saying that I was in such great deal of pain, that life seems so tiring and such... but then, didn't I hurt when Val left? didn't her premature departing left me wounded by a gash so big that it will take years and years to come in order ofr me to even achieve a sense of healing?
so how could I have thought of even doing it to my friends and all those that I so dearly love and care about?
perhaps this should keep me alive...
then again...
I've been stupid again...
Thursday, July 26, 2007
riding the waves
been going up and down more often than usual rcently... the highs are happy days are bright and shinny but the darker ones are gloomy and depressing... and to make things worse... this fluctuation is getting more erratic, more and more unpredictable as time goes by...
the past two weeks were spent in rock bottom and guess what? was considered by the so called cisis proffesionals as attention seeking... does it mean that i would have to be found downing a month's supply of my medication, considering i am taking an average of 5 pills a day, to be taken seriously, to be not seen as making things up? i so hate the labels and pigeon-holling of mental disorders!
perhaps i should be a mental health advocate sometime in the future....
been pondering a lot about what's gonna happen to me in six months' time recently... pondering a little too much i would actually say...
which path should i take? what choice should I make?
it's all so muddled up.. it's all so confusing!!
yet then again, that's life...
in about another week's time, it'll be two months since Val left... her friends are coming together to raise funds for the Malaysian Mental Health Association (MMHA) though this year's blogathon blogging in the blog "Walk On By"....
while it's a really great gesture on their part and on all those who will be donating, it's really a shame that such a tragedy had to happen to jumpstart a donation drive for MMHA...
I missed Val...
I guess, even though it's been almost two months, I am still seeking closure...
perhaps I really should be writing a letter to her...
I really don't understand...
yet at the same time, I could almost feel her pain...
the demons within us... as Edrei always calls our inner turmoil...
the past two weeks were spent in rock bottom and guess what? was considered by the so called cisis proffesionals as attention seeking... does it mean that i would have to be found downing a month's supply of my medication, considering i am taking an average of 5 pills a day, to be taken seriously, to be not seen as making things up? i so hate the labels and pigeon-holling of mental disorders!
perhaps i should be a mental health advocate sometime in the future....
been pondering a lot about what's gonna happen to me in six months' time recently... pondering a little too much i would actually say...
which path should i take? what choice should I make?
it's all so muddled up.. it's all so confusing!!
yet then again, that's life...
in about another week's time, it'll be two months since Val left... her friends are coming together to raise funds for the Malaysian Mental Health Association (MMHA) though this year's blogathon blogging in the blog "Walk On By"....
while it's a really great gesture on their part and on all those who will be donating, it's really a shame that such a tragedy had to happen to jumpstart a donation drive for MMHA...
I missed Val...
I guess, even though it's been almost two months, I am still seeking closure...
perhaps I really should be writing a letter to her...
I really don't understand...
yet at the same time, I could almost feel her pain...
the demons within us... as Edrei always calls our inner turmoil...
Monday, June 25, 2007
one more day....
tomorrow's the day where I'll find out what lies ahead for me in terms of my emotional wellbeing and treatment. maybe i am simply reading too much into what C said last week, but then, it would be a lie to say that I am not frightened by it. then again, somewhere deep inside, i also realised that there is a small sigh of relief as this time around, perhaps everything will finally make sense.... perhaps a diagnosis is not such a bad thing afterall....
it's been years now hasn't it?
since the first time i ever felt suicidal.... 10 years to be exact...
and i've come a long way... and i should be proud of myself for hanging on....
even though sometimes, it's just so so hard...
it's been years now hasn't it?
since the first time i ever felt suicidal.... 10 years to be exact...
and i've come a long way... and i should be proud of myself for hanging on....
even though sometimes, it's just so so hard...
Monday, June 18, 2007
Looking Ahead
What the future holds for me, I don't know...
But what I know is that I can only look ahead...
sometimes, it's so tiring to just move forward, not knowing where the next turn in life will lead... yes, there is excitement, yes, there are a lot of possible good things to look forward to, but then, where lies uncertainty, there lies next to it fear... and it's this fear that I am experiencing now... and it is also this fear that I fear...
time flies, it's been 2 and a half years since i first landed in Melbourne to study... a journeying that has been tough yet enjoyable... infact, a really blessed journey I would say... to be able to meet all these wonderful people that has cheered me on even in my darkest of times.... Angels sent by God they were... how can i ever repay them for helping me stay alive when I was desperately trying to not live?
remebering Val... wondering if the closure to her short life would be different if she had angels like mine? perhaps it would... that's what everyone tell me and therefore I am considered really lucky... then again,
I cry still for a life lost... a life so full of potential that the only person who failed to see it is the person who owned it....
I cry still for a friend who had to suffer even during her last breath....
I cry yet for a friend who had to hurt so much that she had to take her own life...
suicide is never a private nor confidential issue....
it is always public for it affects more people than you expect it would....
you know how sometimes you just feel so proud of yourself?
well, am currently in that mood recently...
though a lot has been happening, all at the same time, admist all the tears I've shed and all the frustrations that I've felt, I've been keeping it together quit well this semester... and even people who knows me felt this way too and it's making me feel more confident in myself...
this maturing, this being more optimistic, this ability to hold on to reality and not loose myself to insanity, this ability to "fight back" and hang on... it's amazing, though part of me can't help but wonder, is this what it means to be getting better? that these things are going to be permanent one day or are these all but temporary feelings that I have now?
I know no one can answer them and I've been told to enjoy them while I can, but then... I jsut can't help it but wonder..
Life of a person afflicted by a mental illness is not easy...
I'm just sorry for all who has to put up with me and my craziness....
as funny as it sounds, I guess I no longer hate or resent the fact that I have to suffer, cos due to this, I've found my pathway in life, it has led me to study psychology, it has enhance my abilities to be empathetic and understanding for I have the oppurtunity to walk in the shoes of those who are suffering the same predicament as I am... and this allows me to identify with others' feelings at a level only those of the same kind will ever comprehend
besides, due to this, I've met many angels that has brightened my days, kept me alive, love and care about me... it has given me back what has been taken away from me when my family shattered. in fact, it has given me more than i feel i deserve...
through this, I've learnt to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to graciously and humbly receive when I need help, to generously give when I am able to, a deep understanding of emotions, I've learnt to be congruent and genuine and face up to even issues that I rather run away from... and finally, to accept that I am not perfect and will never be, but in the eyes of God, I am and I will love myself no matter what happens.
But what I know is that I can only look ahead...
sometimes, it's so tiring to just move forward, not knowing where the next turn in life will lead... yes, there is excitement, yes, there are a lot of possible good things to look forward to, but then, where lies uncertainty, there lies next to it fear... and it's this fear that I am experiencing now... and it is also this fear that I fear...
time flies, it's been 2 and a half years since i first landed in Melbourne to study... a journeying that has been tough yet enjoyable... infact, a really blessed journey I would say... to be able to meet all these wonderful people that has cheered me on even in my darkest of times.... Angels sent by God they were... how can i ever repay them for helping me stay alive when I was desperately trying to not live?
remebering Val... wondering if the closure to her short life would be different if she had angels like mine? perhaps it would... that's what everyone tell me and therefore I am considered really lucky... then again,
I cry still for a life lost... a life so full of potential that the only person who failed to see it is the person who owned it....
I cry still for a friend who had to suffer even during her last breath....
I cry yet for a friend who had to hurt so much that she had to take her own life...
suicide is never a private nor confidential issue....
it is always public for it affects more people than you expect it would....
you know how sometimes you just feel so proud of yourself?
well, am currently in that mood recently...
though a lot has been happening, all at the same time, admist all the tears I've shed and all the frustrations that I've felt, I've been keeping it together quit well this semester... and even people who knows me felt this way too and it's making me feel more confident in myself...
this maturing, this being more optimistic, this ability to hold on to reality and not loose myself to insanity, this ability to "fight back" and hang on... it's amazing, though part of me can't help but wonder, is this what it means to be getting better? that these things are going to be permanent one day or are these all but temporary feelings that I have now?
I know no one can answer them and I've been told to enjoy them while I can, but then... I jsut can't help it but wonder..
Life of a person afflicted by a mental illness is not easy...
I'm just sorry for all who has to put up with me and my craziness....
as funny as it sounds, I guess I no longer hate or resent the fact that I have to suffer, cos due to this, I've found my pathway in life, it has led me to study psychology, it has enhance my abilities to be empathetic and understanding for I have the oppurtunity to walk in the shoes of those who are suffering the same predicament as I am... and this allows me to identify with others' feelings at a level only those of the same kind will ever comprehend
besides, due to this, I've met many angels that has brightened my days, kept me alive, love and care about me... it has given me back what has been taken away from me when my family shattered. in fact, it has given me more than i feel i deserve...
through this, I've learnt to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, to graciously and humbly receive when I need help, to generously give when I am able to, a deep understanding of emotions, I've learnt to be congruent and genuine and face up to even issues that I rather run away from... and finally, to accept that I am not perfect and will never be, but in the eyes of God, I am and I will love myself no matter what happens.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Impact
been having two very productive days studying for my upcoming counselling paper... ironic isn't it? I'm studying counselling yet I have also been a client for the past 8 years... Looking on the bright side, the concepts appears easier to understand through real life experience =)
I miss Val, I guess, it'll never be the same again... the impact of suicide... it cripples people... then again, it made me think... I mean, people will grieve for one week, one month, one year? then what? you hurt those who are the most beloved to you and yet for others, they one remember you as a part of the statistic of the many young people who took their own lives....
I don't want to be a statistic... neither do I wish to have anyone else I know be part of it anymore! It hurts, it really does... and so so very much!
I miss Val, I guess, it'll never be the same again... the impact of suicide... it cripples people... then again, it made me think... I mean, people will grieve for one week, one month, one year? then what? you hurt those who are the most beloved to you and yet for others, they one remember you as a part of the statistic of the many young people who took their own lives....
I don't want to be a statistic... neither do I wish to have anyone else I know be part of it anymore! It hurts, it really does... and so so very much!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Ripple effect
so it's said....
her passing caused a ripple effect among all who knew her... no matter how close or distant to her suffering our understanding permits us, none of us are spared of the pain of her dismiss....
maybe it's for the better, in her mind she minght be thinking so, as i so often think of it as myself... that this world will be better off without me... the hopelessness and helplessness that she felt must have been grave... and it pained me to know that a beautiful person fought with depression and lost....
i'm not going to start off with "if only" sentences that will no longer bear any meaning or be of any use as she is no longer here... but then agian, really....
if only she had held on longer...
if only she hadn't stop her medication...
yet, will any of this make any difference?
would it have made it better for her? would she not have had to suffer or suffer any less?
perhaps we are only asking all of these questions to comfort ourselves... for we have been wounded by her actions... yet we cannot hate her for doing what she did for we loved her too much... with anger, regrets, hatred, and love entwined, where does that leads us to but grief?
辛いですけど、現実です！
"it's painful, but it's reality!"
her passing caused a ripple effect among all who knew her... no matter how close or distant to her suffering our understanding permits us, none of us are spared of the pain of her dismiss....
maybe it's for the better, in her mind she minght be thinking so, as i so often think of it as myself... that this world will be better off without me... the hopelessness and helplessness that she felt must have been grave... and it pained me to know that a beautiful person fought with depression and lost....
i'm not going to start off with "if only" sentences that will no longer bear any meaning or be of any use as she is no longer here... but then agian, really....
if only she had held on longer...
if only she hadn't stop her medication...
yet, will any of this make any difference?
would it have made it better for her? would she not have had to suffer or suffer any less?
perhaps we are only asking all of these questions to comfort ourselves... for we have been wounded by her actions... yet we cannot hate her for doing what she did for we loved her too much... with anger, regrets, hatred, and love entwined, where does that leads us to but grief?
辛いですけど、現実です！
"it's painful, but it's reality!"
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
in denial...
when mom called and said that grandma is unconscious, I didn't want to know...
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...
it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....
somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...
there are just some things which one cannot run away from....
val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...
i will never look at life the same again....
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...
it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....
somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...
there are just some things which one cannot run away from....
val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...
i will never look at life the same again....
coffee at BSC
I guess, I'll never look at coffee breaks the same again...
why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...
I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....
these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...
hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....
val, you'll be forever missed....
why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...
I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....
these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...
hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....
val, you'll be forever missed....
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Goodbye and May you find the peace you deserve...
In loving Memory of Valerie Tay (1981-2007)
May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....
May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....
Monday, May 07, 2007
so.. waht is it that you're saying?
that I am selfish? that all i do is take up people's time? I'm sorry if I am like that...
oh how I hate myself... just wanna find a dark spot, crawl in there and hide away for eternity!!!
and now you're gonna say that I am self centered and wallowing in the deepest depths of self pity...
i hate you, i hate life, i hate everything that surrounds it, that's in it....
I'm not going to go "woe" is me" or anything like that.. jsut that, just that I wonder if it'll be better if I am not around, if things will become better if I just don't exist anymore?
perhaps, jsut perhaps....
things might be a lot different....
perhaps, just perhaps...
I should go....
oh how I hate myself... just wanna find a dark spot, crawl in there and hide away for eternity!!!
and now you're gonna say that I am self centered and wallowing in the deepest depths of self pity...
i hate you, i hate life, i hate everything that surrounds it, that's in it....
I'm not going to go "woe" is me" or anything like that.. jsut that, just that I wonder if it'll be better if I am not around, if things will become better if I just don't exist anymore?
perhaps, jsut perhaps....
things might be a lot different....
perhaps, just perhaps...
I should go....
Sunday, April 08, 2007
seems just like yesterday
when you left us...
not even a chance to say goodbye to you,
you look leave ever so silently, unexpectably
i miss you...
it's been 10 years now...
not even a chance to say goodbye to you,
you look leave ever so silently, unexpectably
i miss you...
it's been 10 years now...
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
i feel happy....
and I'll enjoy this wonderful feeling as much as i can....
I thought he'll stop seeing me, stop treating me... felt that I was going to be abandoned for being too friendly... didn't even see it coming.... but then, in the end, it was only a reality check for him... nothing to do with me.... all for caring me more than as a patient, rather as a relative, a niece perhaps....
it's a nice feeling, yet it carries along it a subtle sense of sadness... nice to know I am cared for... but it's sad to also know that this "caring" would one day end.... and I would just have to accept it as reality in life and just relish in the fact that I was once cared for by a very very kind angel sent from above....
we went through the many possible "diagnoses" that have came my way... for the first time, it was plain talk, straight, direct and simple....
and i pulled through, survived it and came out smiling....
I thought he'll stop seeing me, stop treating me... felt that I was going to be abandoned for being too friendly... didn't even see it coming.... but then, in the end, it was only a reality check for him... nothing to do with me.... all for caring me more than as a patient, rather as a relative, a niece perhaps....
it's a nice feeling, yet it carries along it a subtle sense of sadness... nice to know I am cared for... but it's sad to also know that this "caring" would one day end.... and I would just have to accept it as reality in life and just relish in the fact that I was once cared for by a very very kind angel sent from above....
we went through the many possible "diagnoses" that have came my way... for the first time, it was plain talk, straight, direct and simple....
and i pulled through, survived it and came out smiling....
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
wallowing in self pity....
am I?
perhaps I really am...
am not sure anymore.
these thoughts are private... or so it seems... perhaps I do have it all writen across my face... the portrait of a emotion-filled being living in misery....
why is it that others who may have the same condition as me are able to live fufilling lives? is it me then who is the one who is not happy with what I have? am i really being ungrateful?
why is it that I feel that all joy had been sucked out of me... left me alone to await my untimely death?
why is it?
perhaps it is only me wallowing in self pity....
perhaps I really do despise being happy for I know not how... and am too afraid to set myself free of the only life I've known... though it's painful... it's still more familiar than a supposedly "happy" life which I know not how to live....
why is it so?
perhaps I really am...
am not sure anymore.
these thoughts are private... or so it seems... perhaps I do have it all writen across my face... the portrait of a emotion-filled being living in misery....
why is it that others who may have the same condition as me are able to live fufilling lives? is it me then who is the one who is not happy with what I have? am i really being ungrateful?
why is it that I feel that all joy had been sucked out of me... left me alone to await my untimely death?
why is it?
perhaps it is only me wallowing in self pity....
perhaps I really do despise being happy for I know not how... and am too afraid to set myself free of the only life I've known... though it's painful... it's still more familiar than a supposedly "happy" life which I know not how to live....
why is it so?
Sunday, January 28, 2007
how much can a heart take?
the same heart, broken three times over three days...
how much more can it take before it eventually bleeds to death?
loosing the ones i love, whose times i've cherished sharing with...
loosing the promise that at one time i really did believed it to be real...
loosing the belief in myself that i've worked so hard in gaining over the many years spent in agony through lessons that were at times near emotionally abusive...
a dream that i've never dared to dream yet at one point was almost convinced of its reality...
I hate myself, despice this word... and I hope to die...
how much am i expected to take into this young heart of mine...?
now is just time and way....
stopping me? perhaps...
not worth it...
how much more can it take before it eventually bleeds to death?
loosing the ones i love, whose times i've cherished sharing with...
loosing the promise that at one time i really did believed it to be real...
loosing the belief in myself that i've worked so hard in gaining over the many years spent in agony through lessons that were at times near emotionally abusive...
a dream that i've never dared to dream yet at one point was almost convinced of its reality...
I hate myself, despice this word... and I hope to die...
how much am i expected to take into this young heart of mine...?
now is just time and way....
stopping me? perhaps...
not worth it...
Saturday, January 27, 2007
好痛，但我依然会忍耐……
他们都说，时间能够冲淡一切，这回受的伤，这回流过的泪，是否能够跟随时间的流逝，成为一个过去呢？应该可以吧……展开双手，让一切随着漂浮在空中的落叶变成一个回忆吧，一个爱过，也哭过的回忆吧！
你没离开我，这也许是不幸中的大幸……
每成敌人，依然还可成知心好友……
谢谢你……
这一切，我满足了……
让你受了伤，对不起……
你没离开我，这也许是不幸中的大幸……
每成敌人，依然还可成知心好友……
谢谢你……
这一切，我满足了……
让你受了伤，对不起……