1: heya... the penguins were cute, weren't they?
2: yea..... they are so so very small...
1: not to forget that they are also loving towards their offsprings... see how the parents bring food back for the baby penguins...
2: now where did that come from? are you trying to talk about my family again?
1: ermm... yea... can't I?
2: no... why are you so intrigued by the fact that I don't hate dad?
1: cos you're a master in burying emotions, that's why...
2: but like I said, it's over ages ago... and I am just not angry at all... neither do i hate him...
1: why then do you run away from that topic? why then do you always feel unwell when it comes to talking about him? why is it that you always end up feeling empty deep down inside wishing that you are anywhere but here? I know cos I know you best...
2: I feel empty all the time anyway.... what difference does it make? besides, feeling empty is better than feeling so overly anxious and all...
1: but were you not the same person who protested when your meds made you numb? were you not again the same person who was feeling less than human cos you feel like you are void of feeling? you are confused!
2: yes, I know I am all messed up and confused... but it's not like I want to be this way... I jsut am... I just happened to be screwed up in the head, ok?
1: you're playing the role of the victim now... get a grip on yourself and stop blaming things on others... you too hold a certain amount of responsibility.... you stop yourself from feeling... that's not helping at all... though it's true that you may not be getting worse, you're remaining stagnant in one place as well.... to live is to feel... that's what define us as humans....
2: but emotions are dangerous... you can get hurt.... and i don't wanna get hurt...
1: i know what you mean... but you have got to come out of your shell sometime... so why not try now? if you keep waiting for a safe time, that time will never come....
2: I jsut want to be loved and not hurt.... i just want to forget... I just want to be okay....
1: yes, i know... i know it hurt so much.... i know you hated who you are and you still do... I know you don't want to feel this way... I know you're doing this to block it out... to stop the pain... but this is life... you need to free yourself from what's holding you back.... don't let your past define the boundaries in your life... you're no longer a child, no one can hurt you now... no one...
2: i miss dad... both of them.... and i envy those who can say the word "dad" so easily... so simply, needing not much rehersal... not like me... it sounds foreign... unknown to me... that even if it pops up in the middle of a conversation with friends, it sounds strange... I just want to not have to feel embarassed with that simply a noun....
1: *hugss* you have mom....
2: I know I am selfish, but it's just a wish i can never talk myself out of wishing it true... though I know fairly well that it's nothing but a dream, but more of a lie really... me just lying to myself.... well, the only way to not feel this longing is to not remember... see... I have everything under control... when I don't remember, I don't have to go through the pain of longing for something that will never come....
1: isn't that denial? isn't that running away? there, you see... you not feeling is not a consequence of being medicated... it's you shutting off from emotions... too afraid... to scared... in hiding...
2: sigh...
to be continue.... thinking again....
No comments:
Post a Comment