I feel less and less real recently... yes, I am still bubbly and jumpy... but the emptiness that I constantly feel... the uneasiness regardless of whether I am alone or not is growing... yes, it's definitely growing... getting harder and harder to handle with each passing day....
it angers me, to see myself self-loathing and hating myself for who i am, what i have become... I am a pretender... always, and I mean always pretending that I am doing well... that I am as functional as anyone else... that I have nothing lacking.... nothing that can hinder my progress.... nothing to stop me....
yes... I have had nothing to stop me...
and I have got nothing to hold me back either... be it from falling or rising up....
being hindered by obstacles is a challenge.... being always stopped by problems that come our way is depressing and frustrating...
but, being at a high speed for extended lenght of time is tiring... especially when that car that you're driving has no brakes installed and you're going at 200kph.... directionless, pointless... empty....
one not functioning at all, the other functions too much...
both cry out stop... you wanna stop free falling.... for you know it will always be a crash landing following suit.... you want to stop functioning at such a marvelous rate that no one can keep up with... for it will be hell that you're gonna greet once all that energy burns out... once everything returns to "normal"....
not that "normal" has ever before existed anyway.....
I don't feel like me anymore.....
I am once again loosing my grip on sanity.... loosing sight of that fragile connection that binds me with the real world.... loosing me....
and I question: how many times must I feel like I am loosing me until I eventualy do loose me?
when that time arises, will I even be there to answer myself? will I even know it? perhaps it's just an untimely death.... perhaps....
1 comment:
Your are Excellent. And so is your site! Keep up the good work. Bookmarked.
»
Post a Comment