I'm sorry, But I think I am breaking....

benn thinking alot lately despite the fact that I am so extremely occupied by the slides and all....

I really don't know what the heck is really happening... or how long I want to stay in this lie that I have created to fool others.... or perhaps, the main target is none other but myself? is it worth it? putting my emotions aside? chasing it away and all? is it worth it? trying to remain calm and just keep telling myself that everything's gonna be alright when it is in fact more uncertain than not? am I just being a hypocrite, a lier when I say that I have learnt to face life the way it is? or when I tell people that I have come to slowly open my eyes to acceptance of my condition, me, myself as a whole?

am I lying to myself that there is no feelings whatsoever in regards to my biological father and all? am I lying to myself when I say that I am dealing okay or tha tI will be able to take care of myself and remain healthy and most importantly, sane? am I even sane enough to be trusted to begin with?

all these I have no answer to....

A's student's in UH.... the same ward that I was about a year ago.... for what I don't know... but I guess it won't be something nice to end up there..... safe, perhaps, but won't be nice..... at least it wasn't for me.... but then again, I'll have to ask myself is there anything that I can truly say that is "nice" happening in my life...? I really don't know.... or am I too afraid to answer cos the answer is "NO" ? which is it?

part of me.... I want to be there..... restraint, freedom-less.... yet safe from the world and from oneself......

but I too know that running is not the right way to deal with things... things, espeacially emotions..... well, then again, it may not be the right thing... but at one particular moment, it feels better to deal with things in a way that feels good even if it doesn't feel right..... the moment of sheer desperation that is....moment of sheer desperation to rid oneself of the inner pain and anguish that only one could feel and understand....

why am I writing this in such a manner, why am I even blogging in such a manner, I have no answer at all....

the only thing I do know is, unfortunately the one thing that I had hoped to stop tresspassing my life at least for this three months : the emotion-driven-thoughts that are or would be self damaging....

sigh