medicine cabinet?

a lot have been happening lately... from hearing the "diagnosis" from Karl to today, having C suggesting a mood stabilizer to "calm" me down....

a lot have been happening.....

last week, I remember, was on the verge of breaking down... was so terrified of everything.... this week... near being fearless..... sometimes I really find it hard to live with me too... Karl said that it's cyclothymia.... well... at least it made some sense.... more sense actually to what C mentioned the week before... adjustment disorder he said.... yea... at least it made a little more sense... but it does not mean it has made me feel better either....

I mean, I do agree that to a certain extent that it was somewhat a brief relief... but it was only briefly... I guess having a mental illness is not something that people can easily accept, can they? well, I know I can't for one thing... I need some time.... I needed to compose myself enough to think things through.... at my own pace... slowly... according to my own speed... but then again, life just doesn't like to compromise or wait up a little does it? it's always on the go and it's leaving me behind .... well, perhaps, not at this instant, but it sure was last week when everything was bleak.... even a simple thing such as getting out of bed was of enormous effort then.... not that I am any better anyway now though... instead of sleeping too much... am currently not getting enough sleep....

I don't feel tired? you must be kidding.... just that I just can't... just can't fall asleep....

sometimes, I ask, am I the one driving myself towards the brink of insanity or am I really that sick? I don't know... really don't.... all I know is that it feels weird nowadays... can't describe... just weird....

back to what I was talking about just now... the visit today... ermm.. not really... it's yesterday to be more accurate since it's already 5.03am now and yes, I am currently still quite wide awake....
about C and the suggestion.... he asked what was my opinion about his mentioning of "bipolar" many weeks ago... when I first got to know him... and what followed next was him repitively telling me that his not makin a diagnosis... that he is not currently talkin about a diagnosis.... just that he felt that it would be a good idea for me to have another type of medication added to my already existing medications.... adding that zoloft helps... but it's the anxiety part... that it helps... a little... not much though.... and that my mood swings doubled with my anxiety is indeed a problem... that he wants to suggest something called epilim... an anticonvulsant with a calming effect... a relatively "safe" drug that is... but isn't that what almost all doctors say? that drugs are safe? but then, is it not one of the first few lessons at medical school that they are taught that all medication are toxic? why then? why?

it is true you know... what they say... that certain things are better off left unknown.. and that knowing too much may at times bring more harm than good....

but then again, what's learnt can't really be unlearnt....

sometmies I really did wished that I wasn't that curious about everything... that I wasn't that interested in learning about medication and psychology.... sigh...

I don't want to go crazy... really....

but I also realised that part of me is in some crooked way "addicted" to being like this.... I don't know how to explain it... I hate being like this... but this is what makes me ME...

it's been so long... so so long..... that I can't really remember what I used to be when I was better... that is if I even was better....