so it's said....
her passing caused a ripple effect among all who knew her... no matter how close or distant to her suffering our understanding permits us, none of us are spared of the pain of her dismiss....
maybe it's for the better, in her mind she minght be thinking so, as i so often think of it as myself... that this world will be better off without me... the hopelessness and helplessness that she felt must have been grave... and it pained me to know that a beautiful person fought with depression and lost....
i'm not going to start off with "if only" sentences that will no longer bear any meaning or be of any use as she is no longer here... but then agian, really....
if only she had held on longer...
if only she hadn't stop her medication...
yet, will any of this make any difference?
would it have made it better for her? would she not have had to suffer or suffer any less?
perhaps we are only asking all of these questions to comfort ourselves... for we have been wounded by her actions... yet we cannot hate her for doing what she did for we loved her too much... with anger, regrets, hatred, and love entwined, where does that leads us to but grief?
辛いですけど、現実です！
"it's painful, but it's reality!"
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
in denial...
when mom called and said that grandma is unconscious, I didn't want to know...
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...
it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....
somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...
there are just some things which one cannot run away from....
val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...
i will never look at life the same again....
when she called again to said that she's had a stroke... I didn't wish to hear....
but when she called to tell me that grandma couldn't recognize anyone...
it is then the the floodgates were broken and everything was set loose....
somehow, part of me wish that i remain in denial... so that I will not have to face the pain...
then again, only time will tell and it shall be the ultimate determinant of whether i'll finally come face to face with my demons.. which i'll have to anyway...
there are just some things which one cannot run away from....
val's death...
part of me wishes to remain in denial...
i will never look at life the same again....
coffee at BSC
I guess, I'll never look at coffee breaks the same again...
why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...
I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....
these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...
hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....
val, you'll be forever missed....
why you did what you did, perhaps, just perhaps, I can understand... yet, no matter what reason it is, it's still not justifiable by the measure that you took... one that is for eternity...
I'm sorry I was asleep when you tried to reach out... or was it to say goodbye, I don't know... I can only speculate... but then... it must be hurting pretty badly for you my dear... and I shed tears for your pain....
these emotions flooding me, I can't hold back as tears stream down my face like two steady streams.... grief, they call it...
hope you're at a place where it's no more tears for you, only laughter and this time around, pure laughter that is not to mask your pain....
val, you'll be forever missed....
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Goodbye and May you find the peace you deserve...
In loving Memory of Valerie Tay (1981-2007)
May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....
May she rest in peace now, free from all pain.....