there is so much to write and there is fear that if I don't write fast enough, I will forget.. but these are all such nice thoughts...nice thoughts that will go to waste if forgotten... nice memories that will loose its marks if not recorded....
YL asked if I would just write a short paragraph on how I got his book and what I felt after reading it to be included into its fourth print... wow... fourth print already... am really happy for him... am even more happy to be given this chance, this opportunity... yea, I will work on it... I will work hard on it... besides, it has provided me something to work on until the end of this holiday... perhaps things are finally looking up...
hmm.... been on the seroquel for almost a week now and am feeling great... perhaps it's all over now... am feeling light hearted and I wish I can fly... soar like the birds in the sky... to be free of the grasp of deep depression...to be born new... to face each day with a smile on my face....
ha ha...
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
she's at it again...
you're useless, worthless...yea... I am doing all these to her.. yea, I'm the bad guy here... of course... how stupid can i be? I'm always the one doing all the wrong things in life with the sole purpose of making her life miserable... ever thought that it has been perhaps working the other way around?
no matter what you do, it's of no use... not
worth anyone's love...
you're calculative and selfish... you're doing all
these to me
I know I shouldn't be angry at her, instead, be thankful that she's raising me... but then again, if I were to not at least divert part of my anger at her, the fiery flames of my rage would have most probably burnt myself to death some many years ago... yet, alongside anger at her comes guilt... guilt that I am a child anything but perfect... a child who is only hurting those that she ought to never hurt at all....
and all this child knows now is to cry....
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
help me...
I'm starting to feel disconnected form reality again.... my head is spinning and it's becoming more and more blurry... life that is... I don't know what i want.. jsut that i am feeling so far away... as if I am floating somewhere, viewing life from a third person's perspective... it's uncomfortable.. this feeling...
I need to feel... I need to touch and feel my own existance... to know that I am alive... I need to know that I am breathing and well.... I need to bleed and feel the pain that is all so comforting... I need an outlet for this unfeeling numbness that is all too overwhelming....
I'm not asking too much am i? I am only asking to be well and okay... I am only asking to be functional... to be free from overwhelming emotions that are driving me insane.... to be free from a life of numbness that is never ending....
this life, my life, a life that I've know so well overtime... yet is a life that I know nothing of... it's mine yet not mine to own for i have no control of what i feel... what then is the meaning of living when i can't feel? yet, at the same time, what is the meaning of living when i live each day hoping it's the last?
I need to feel... I need to touch and feel my own existance... to know that I am alive... I need to know that I am breathing and well.... I need to bleed and feel the pain that is all so comforting... I need an outlet for this unfeeling numbness that is all too overwhelming....
I'm not asking too much am i? I am only asking to be well and okay... I am only asking to be functional... to be free from overwhelming emotions that are driving me insane.... to be free from a life of numbness that is never ending....
this life, my life, a life that I've know so well overtime... yet is a life that I know nothing of... it's mine yet not mine to own for i have no control of what i feel... what then is the meaning of living when i can't feel? yet, at the same time, what is the meaning of living when i live each day hoping it's the last?
thinking.....
spoke to a psychiatrist last weekend finally... it wasn't really a pretty sight at the clinic.... it was so overcrowded that I felt I was going to either suffocate someone out of anxiety or end up suffocating myself.... perhaps I am just simply over reacting... perhaps it's just my anxiety acting out again.... perhaps i just don't know anything much anymore....
he's suggesting that it's most likely not just simply anxiety alone... perhaps it's something more... it scares me... scares me to hear another person asking the same thing over the course of two years.... it scares me to find myself start wondering what if he's right? scares the hell out of me to look at the whole picture of my problem being bigger than it already is.... scares me that if he's right, I might end up like JN....
spoke to C this morning and I guess, thank God for him... he understands and somehow has the ability to make things seem more manageable.... asked him why he asked about the manic depression thingy two years ago and he said that partially it was part of the standard questions to ask and as well as I was hyper then.... was I? I really can't remember much... yes, I remember the racing thoughts and the agitation and all.... but other than that, I really do realised that most of my life have been a blur....
it's as if I've never really woken up from my sleep.... as if all these while I've been living in a fog so thick that no light can penetrate and shine through....
sigh.... perhaps I am jsut simply thinking too much....
then again.... with how things are, how can i not think?
he's suggesting that it's most likely not just simply anxiety alone... perhaps it's something more... it scares me... scares me to hear another person asking the same thing over the course of two years.... it scares me to find myself start wondering what if he's right? scares the hell out of me to look at the whole picture of my problem being bigger than it already is.... scares me that if he's right, I might end up like JN....
spoke to C this morning and I guess, thank God for him... he understands and somehow has the ability to make things seem more manageable.... asked him why he asked about the manic depression thingy two years ago and he said that partially it was part of the standard questions to ask and as well as I was hyper then.... was I? I really can't remember much... yes, I remember the racing thoughts and the agitation and all.... but other than that, I really do realised that most of my life have been a blur....
it's as if I've never really woken up from my sleep.... as if all these while I've been living in a fog so thick that no light can penetrate and shine through....
sigh.... perhaps I am jsut simply thinking too much....
then again.... with how things are, how can i not think?
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
thank you sir
went back to WMS on monday and it was such a nice thing to be remembered... though in a way, it did felt a little uncomfortable as I know fairly well that it's also due to some other not so pleasant reasons that I was remembered....
but then again.... it's been such a long time....
saw G and it was great seeing him again after so long...
and what a surprise I got when he called this morning to announce that he was near BSC and coming to mom's place.... and to catch up... at Coffee Bean... and to hear him telling me all the things he remembered... about when he first met me, about how he knew something was not right... funny... and I always thought that he didn't really knew much.... but I guess... I was wrong after all...
to hear it from him that I was indeed swinging up and down and needing psychiatric help was actually comforting.... I know it's weird... but then again, perhaps it's the comformation that is giving me this warm feeling... comformation that the road that i am taking now to deal with my problem is indeed the right one... and that it wasn't much of my imaginationt that something was not right with me... that it's not just all in my head....
ha ha.. he still remembered my expression.. sitting outside his office... crying, asking me if i wanted to talk to him... heck, he even knew my form three classroom even though he only started teaching me in form four! .... even i don't remember it myself.... but then again... it's pretty much a blur, whatever happened last time that was....
it was good to know...
and in the conversation, i got to know him much more... and I really appreciate him telling me... it's different when the relationship changes.... and this difference feels nice...
but then again.... it's been such a long time....
saw G and it was great seeing him again after so long...
and what a surprise I got when he called this morning to announce that he was near BSC and coming to mom's place.... and to catch up... at Coffee Bean... and to hear him telling me all the things he remembered... about when he first met me, about how he knew something was not right... funny... and I always thought that he didn't really knew much.... but I guess... I was wrong after all...
to hear it from him that I was indeed swinging up and down and needing psychiatric help was actually comforting.... I know it's weird... but then again, perhaps it's the comformation that is giving me this warm feeling... comformation that the road that i am taking now to deal with my problem is indeed the right one... and that it wasn't much of my imaginationt that something was not right with me... that it's not just all in my head....
ha ha.. he still remembered my expression.. sitting outside his office... crying, asking me if i wanted to talk to him... heck, he even knew my form three classroom even though he only started teaching me in form four! .... even i don't remember it myself.... but then again... it's pretty much a blur, whatever happened last time that was....
it was good to know...
and in the conversation, i got to know him much more... and I really appreciate him telling me... it's different when the relationship changes.... and this difference feels nice...