medicine cabinet?

a lot have been happening lately... from hearing the "diagnosis" from Karl to today, having C suggesting a mood stabilizer to "calm" me down....

a lot have been happening.....

last week, I remember, was on the verge of breaking down... was so terrified of everything.... this week... near being fearless..... sometimes I really find it hard to live with me too... Karl said that it's cyclothymia.... well... at least it made some sense.... more sense actually to what C mentioned the week before... adjustment disorder he said.... yea... at least it made a little more sense... but it does not mean it has made me feel better either....

I mean, I do agree that to a certain extent that it was somewhat a brief relief... but it was only briefly... I guess having a mental illness is not something that people can easily accept, can they? well, I know I can't for one thing... I need some time.... I needed to compose myself enough to think things through.... at my own pace... slowly... according to my own speed... but then again, life just doesn't like to compromise or wait up a little does it? it's always on the go and it's leaving me behind .... well, perhaps, not at this instant, but it sure was last week when everything was bleak.... even a simple thing such as getting out of bed was of enormous effort then.... not that I am any better anyway now though... instead of sleeping too much... am currently not getting enough sleep....

I don't feel tired? you must be kidding.... just that I just can't... just can't fall asleep....

sometimes, I ask, am I the one driving myself towards the brink of insanity or am I really that sick? I don't know... really don't.... all I know is that it feels weird nowadays... can't describe... just weird....

back to what I was talking about just now... the visit today... ermm.. not really... it's yesterday to be more accurate since it's already 5.03am now and yes, I am currently still quite wide awake....
about C and the suggestion.... he asked what was my opinion about his mentioning of "bipolar" many weeks ago... when I first got to know him... and what followed next was him repitively telling me that his not makin a diagnosis... that he is not currently talkin about a diagnosis.... just that he felt that it would be a good idea for me to have another type of medication added to my already existing medications.... adding that zoloft helps... but it's the anxiety part... that it helps... a little... not much though.... and that my mood swings doubled with my anxiety is indeed a problem... that he wants to suggest something called epilim... an anticonvulsant with a calming effect... a relatively "safe" drug that is... but isn't that what almost all doctors say? that drugs are safe? but then, is it not one of the first few lessons at medical school that they are taught that all medication are toxic? why then? why?

it is true you know... what they say... that certain things are better off left unknown.. and that knowing too much may at times bring more harm than good....

but then again, what's learnt can't really be unlearnt....

sometmies I really did wished that I wasn't that curious about everything... that I wasn't that interested in learning about medication and psychology.... sigh...

I don't want to go crazy... really....

but I also realised that part of me is in some crooked way "addicted" to being like this.... I don't know how to explain it... I hate being like this... but this is what makes me ME...

it's been so long... so so long..... that I can't really remember what I used to be when I was better... that is if I even was better....

really?

saw C for my fortnightly appointment.... he never forgets, does he? he asked me about my cutting.... asked me why I am staying at the halls.... why? don't wanna remember....

is he tryin to coax me into facing it? but I fear.... so so much....!

am beging to feel like a medicine cabinet nowadays... last week, my dosage was in creased, this week, I am prescribed an additional type of medication.... apparently to help with my sleep and anxiety... apparently it's used as an anti-anxiety.... apparently my prescribed dosage is 1/20 of the theraputic dosage for psychosis... apparently it is relatively safe... apparently....

it's an anti- psychotic....

isn't that what I have been told by others I've seen regarding the drugs which I had been previously prescribed? that cipram is safe... it got me suicidal.... tranquilizers are safe... they gave me hallucinations.... what is safe?

told C the reason regarding why I wanted his diagnosis of me.... that I wanted something solid and valid that I can blame on... so as to created a based upon which I can build my courage and strenght in order to stop running, instead to embrace life and walk towards acceptance of myself...

he said that I have adjustment disorder.... hope he is right.... hope that it really is that simple.... hope I wouldn't be hurt.... hope I will not fear...

I am my worse critique after all.....

gave C the drawing/writing that I made the night before.... it was through pure randomization without giving whatever that I wrote any additional thoughts.... it was a letter, a drawing... made by my heart... for myself...

it is the evidence of my emotions....

sigh....

I am officially jobless once more.... benjamin... bridget... good luck and take care..... most likely you wouldn't even remember me the next time we meet... that is if we ever do meet again.... sigh.... i guess, just have to let go....

it's 5.29am now and I am just too anxious to sleep.... just finished watching the anime that I had randomly downloaded two days ago... tired and tensed... but also warm and inspired....

To my dad,
where are you? I realised that I am gradually forgetting how you looked like....
To my mom,
I love you.... don't need to try to heart... just need to try whole-heartedly....

My life...

Staring into space
I see my life far away
leaving me behind
alone, left with my pain

silver river across the night sky
the milkyway to light my path
only to learn that darkness reigns
overdomineering, vowing to stay

sanity insanity crossing paths
one person, halved
loosing grasp of reality
fading slowly, gradually, suddenly

realms of dreams entwined
weaving tapestries of my life
loom threaded with confusions
of that weakling soul of mine

isolation within a crowd
loneliness among those I love
drowning in waves of emotions
shedding crimson tears, self-medication

an addiction to the sorrow felt
existence based upon pain
fearing to venture out
the only way, my life explained

无题

生命匆匆忙忙的来来往往
我，仿佛再也追不上，
社会人群的赛跑，
我，将要落后了...

不再明白生命的启示，
不再晓得人生的意识，
忘了活着的意义，
忘了迷失的自己...

日夜不停了走着，
行过沙漠的迷惑，
穿过了无数的山水，
心，忘了戴在身上...

家，离这儿太远了，
我，离家太远了...

mood swings....

up and down they fluctuate
troughs and valleys they venture
leaving me the consequences
leaving me behind in their game

silent music to sooth
the soul enduring turbulent waves
silent music to calm
the heart bearing a thousand pain

on my knees I prayed
a prayer to wish the night away
upon my existance I placed my faith
may hope and trust keep me safe

a voice from deep within
the very heart of my being
a voice so soft yet persistant
calling my name
wishing me home