sigh

did something that I promised not to do just five minutes ago.....
I posted in where I vowed not to post again....
I tresspassed on waters that I have vowed to let it stay still...
I am sorry, but I jsut can't help it...
I just can't stand knowing a still fresh wound and do nothing about it...

I jsut can't....
perhaps, perhaps, I am really not that good a person..
perhaps all that I do is jsut for the sake of myself not hurting and not overwhelmed by guilt....
perhaps...

perhaps I simply wasn't ready to let go fully....

a song you have loved

Melodies of Life

Emiko Shiratori

Alone for awhile I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life, love's lost refrain

Been hard, trying to pick up the pieces of me that has been scattered everywhere the day I was broke apart.

I guess, iit's because I didn't want to let you go.... I know I said that it was okay... but I guess, I was never a great liar to myself....

Even though time have flew by, I have been searching all these while in the dark for this light of yours that will never againshine in my life....

Searching for this love that I had alowed you to leave behind.

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold

I am jsut as puzzled as you are on how we were stuckk together throughout the many years we spent together.... but I am thankful for the oppportunity to be your friend though baffled by your sudden leaving..... Though I bame you not, nor am I angered till hatred fills my heart and soul,

a wound carved by one you love no matter how shallow the cutting, takes more than just time and tender loving care to heal.....

I guess, there is no medicine better than amnesia....

But since it's not some miracle druug that you can by from any drug store... nor can you attain it through other means without compromising other memories, I guess, saying goodbye is as far as the healing can go.....

In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

Yes, the hope and dreams are stll here....

perhaps it will never ever go away for as long as I live.....

hopes and dreams of you returning....

to see you smile once again......

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond

A voive from the past...

A bridge built of memories.....

strong enough to sustain, but not strong enough to hold....

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

Birds.....

can you recognise her from far?

can you bring her heart back to me?

flap your wigs and fly.....

I know it's hard to keep your near....

I know your wings are meant for flying....

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

A good question you've asked in your letter to me...

A question that has left me pondering on and on....

and now a question that I would ask you....

A question demanding no answer...

Do you remember me?

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life
To the sky beyond the flying birds, forever and beyond

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember

Do you? Will you? Would you want to?

I guess, sometimes things just cannot be controled by sheer will....

It is true what they say....

that it required to hands to clap......

coming home..... a mistake?

It hasn't even been a week and things are already getting to become how it used to be before I left.... perhaps, on second thought, I shouldn'y have wanted so desperately to come home.... if only I could foresee this coming before I board the plane to come home.....

if only....

what is a holiday when I am actually more stressed out and busy then when I am occupied with my uni work? what sort of a holiday is this? I truly wonder.....

took back the Epilim last night..... jsut couldn't stand her no more.... I just couldn't take it any longer.... I am collapsing.... please, anyone... someone, please catch me.... I am falling and am falling real fast....

I really really don't wish to relapse again.... I don't wanna fall back into that deep darkness of depression.... neither do I wish to once again venture into the land of the insane.... I don't want....!!! It has taken me many tears and pain to get to where I am now and I am not about to willingly give it up yet..... but then again, I am so not sure how much longer can I actually hold on like this.....

will I even be able to survive till I return? or will I return to my tiny little space in Melbourne that feels more like home than this house full of people who were called my friends and relatives, once agian in pieces and needing C and J to pick me up and glue me back together?

I really had enough of these ... all of these... I jsut can't understand... i just can't comprehend.....

it's currently 4.01 am Malaysian time and yet I don't feel sleepy at all.... I jsut feel like vanishing from the surface of the earth.... i am jsut feeling so darn presured by my own surroundings.....

coming back.... it's good to be home... but I guess if given a choice to choose again, perhaps I would more likely choose to remain there by myself... find a job... whatever... than to come back and endanger myself with her never ending criticisms.....

perhaps it's just a big stupid mistake.....
but I do know that when I wake up next morning.... this is not one nightmare that would just cease to exist in my memory....

for I know that the store house of memory is so huge that nothing gets lost.... and that things just gets put into their respective places and will be retrieved when needed.....

therefore.... I can't really forget....
no matter how much I would love to.....
no matter how much.....

am back...

they say home is where the heart resides....
but then it makes me ponder why is a piece of my heart still feels as if it's wandering on its own somewhere? where is me?

touched ground last night at around 8.25pm at KLIA....
it's been a while....
since I last came home....

a lot has changed....
I havve changed, things have canged...
and most importantly, feelings of my own as well as that of others have underwent major changes as well...

I guess,
when one leaves, no matter when that person returns, be it a year later, a month later, or even a mere hour later.... when that person returns, everything chages.... othing remains....

後14時・・・

今日はマレシャに帰ります。
でも、楽しみにしません。
如何したの？

今晚回家了。大约大马时间傍晚八点多飞机便会到达KLIA了。
应该是很向往今日才是的，但，为何我的心有股放不下的感觉呢？
是我真的放不开手呢？
还是我其实从头到尾都不曾想放手呢？

不明白！
多日睡眠不足的脑袋……是模糊不清的！