I've stopped publishing my posts... most of them are now saved as drafts... is it because I realized the insecurity of the online world or is it that I no longer feel the confidence in my own writing?
is my self esteem really that low that i have to give up even my words? or is it that I've given up trying to be heard?
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
it's been a while...
Finally, it'll be my turn graduating from uni and all....
right now, somehow it feels so surreal that all those times when I was down and troubled and having my own mind turn against myself... to comming out of the darkness and leaving the despair behind me as milestone to remind myself of what was real and what wasn't....
well, I know that...
my grandmother having a stroke and needed brain surgery while brushing with death was real... that I almost lost her, almost lost that special someone who brought me up, who loved and cared for me over herself...
that was real....
that, it's finally 10 years since the day the most important man in my life left me for a better place without even saying goodbye to anyone of us and that my mother as a result changed from the loving and kind lady that she was into a bitter critical person.... perhaps it was the fact that her wall had collapsed and that she felt abandoned by the most important person to her and yet no anger could be expressed as it was death that took him away from us...
yea, don't really wanna believe it, but I can and should not convince myself otherwise...
the one that I thought I would be sharing my life with hit me, shouted and screamed at me, with me fighting back, that was real... his depression and my problems made it hard for us to live under the same roof, let alone continue a relationship... yes, it was real....
so was the pain that I don't speak about even till now, three months since i last saw him...
how is he doing now I wonder....
does he still think of me sometimes as how I think about him?
the fact that I was not well was true too.... it was so much of a reality that it hit me so hard that I finally realized that I have not really accepted it though I often said i had in the past... it made me realize that there indeed is a HUGE difference from acknowledgement and acceptance....
I guess, in more ways than not, being able to talk openly about my problems and not being ashame of seeking help was more of acknowledgement that i do have a problem and that i couldn't cope as well as others can... but acceptance, well, that is a totally different issue altogether...
Linwood was real and it was a bittersweet experience for me...
in someways I guess, being there acted as the final straw that broke my self denial and unacceptance... being supervised, being in a facility forced me to face the fact of my inability to even look after myself... but that aside, being there also helped me gain confidence which i would never have gotten elsewhere if it's not for the fact that there was so much encouragement and inspiration that a person can generate no matter how disabled they are, as long as they want to, the strenght in tryin itself can create miracles....
right now, somehow it feels so surreal that all those times when I was down and troubled and having my own mind turn against myself... to comming out of the darkness and leaving the despair behind me as milestone to remind myself of what was real and what wasn't....
well, I know that...
my grandmother having a stroke and needed brain surgery while brushing with death was real... that I almost lost her, almost lost that special someone who brought me up, who loved and cared for me over herself...
that was real....
that, it's finally 10 years since the day the most important man in my life left me for a better place without even saying goodbye to anyone of us and that my mother as a result changed from the loving and kind lady that she was into a bitter critical person.... perhaps it was the fact that her wall had collapsed and that she felt abandoned by the most important person to her and yet no anger could be expressed as it was death that took him away from us...
yea, don't really wanna believe it, but I can and should not convince myself otherwise...
the one that I thought I would be sharing my life with hit me, shouted and screamed at me, with me fighting back, that was real... his depression and my problems made it hard for us to live under the same roof, let alone continue a relationship... yes, it was real....
so was the pain that I don't speak about even till now, three months since i last saw him...
how is he doing now I wonder....
does he still think of me sometimes as how I think about him?
the fact that I was not well was true too.... it was so much of a reality that it hit me so hard that I finally realized that I have not really accepted it though I often said i had in the past... it made me realize that there indeed is a HUGE difference from acknowledgement and acceptance....
I guess, in more ways than not, being able to talk openly about my problems and not being ashame of seeking help was more of acknowledgement that i do have a problem and that i couldn't cope as well as others can... but acceptance, well, that is a totally different issue altogether...
Linwood was real and it was a bittersweet experience for me...
in someways I guess, being there acted as the final straw that broke my self denial and unacceptance... being supervised, being in a facility forced me to face the fact of my inability to even look after myself... but that aside, being there also helped me gain confidence which i would never have gotten elsewhere if it's not for the fact that there was so much encouragement and inspiration that a person can generate no matter how disabled they are, as long as they want to, the strenght in tryin itself can create miracles....
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
referring on...
saw a clinical psych specializing in self harm and BPD yesterday.
I'm pretty screwed up hey...
scared...
I'm pretty screwed up hey...
scared...
it wasn't a mistake...
I've always been so afraid of abandonment, of being pushed away by those few that I trust... but was I not the one pushing people away instead? I have indeed been selfish... for being who i was, for repeating something which I've vowed not to repeat...
I did it again...
yes, I can give all sorts of reasons saying that I was in such great deal of pain, that life seems so tiring and such... but then, didn't I hurt when Val left? didn't her premature departing left me wounded by a gash so big that it will take years and years to come in order ofr me to even achieve a sense of healing?
so how could I have thought of even doing it to my friends and all those that I so dearly love and care about?
perhaps this should keep me alive...
then again...
I've been stupid again...
I did it again...
yes, I can give all sorts of reasons saying that I was in such great deal of pain, that life seems so tiring and such... but then, didn't I hurt when Val left? didn't her premature departing left me wounded by a gash so big that it will take years and years to come in order ofr me to even achieve a sense of healing?
so how could I have thought of even doing it to my friends and all those that I so dearly love and care about?
perhaps this should keep me alive...
then again...
I've been stupid again...